Schnauzers are very high-strung dogs.  They follow you everywhere and bark at everything.  What happens when you add steroids?  The quick answer is that they do not hit more home runs, but they do have to pee more.  They also seem a bit more aggressive and protective.  It hasn’t gotten to the level of a classic, black & white, science fiction movie like “The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman,” where they’ve grown to abnormal size and can no longer fit in their dog beds.  Then they attack the refrigerator and Super Market, growing bigger and bigger in size, while looking for a giant fire hydrant.  “Schnauzer on Steroids,” will never get the Oscar for Sci-Fi Horror Films!

Our oldest schnauzer, Tinker, itches all the time.  We have had her tested for allergies which include egg, wheat, the common housefly, and most outdoor grasses.  The excessive dampness of the Northwest also probably doesn’t help either!  We’ve tried everything to relieve her scratching and licking, that becomes particularly annoying in the middle of the night.  I do now remove her collar before bedtime each night to keep her dog tags from rattling together and keeping us awake.  The poor dog’s paws are discolored from all the licking, and her ears sometimes bleed from scratching them so much with her claws.  We buy hypo-allergic dog food and try to feed her carrots as treats.  Nothing seems to work!   The Vet suggested Prednisone, so we’ve been slipping a tablet in her food each evening, and she’s probably wondering what’s going on?  We’re now in the process of weening her off the medication, so the tablets are currently on an every other day basis until the prescription runs out.

Prednisone is a steroid that makes her very thirsty.  We aren’t sure if it makes her any hungrier, because she’s always hungry!  Tinker is an adopted pup, now 10 years old, that was apparently abandoned at some point and had to fend for herself in the woods.  The Vet who was involved in the adoption told us that he found remnants of acorns in her stomach.  In his opinion, these helped keep her digestive track active when there was nothing else to eat.  It’s hard to deprive a dog with that history from good food, but she was also getting a little chunky.  She’ll eat her food and then go after Tally, our our schnauzer’s dish.  As a result, we’ve had to make some compromises with her food intake, while also being sensitive to her allergies.   Now, water has become an even bigger problem, as every bowl in the house is often dry.

You know what they say:  what goes in must come out.  Consequently, I have to take her outside more often now.  Fortunately, I’m retired, so I’m home to do that most days.  We’ve also had some emergencies in the middle of the night, and a couple of accidents.  Thank God for Scotch Guard!  When I finally do let her out, the stream of pee is seemingly endless, as I stand there watching relief fill her eyes.  Before we get back home, she’ll have to go again.  “What’s going on, Dad?” I’m sure she’d like to ask, and then it’s back to the water bowl.  Drink. Pee. Repeat.

I would like to resolve her bladder issues, just as I’d like to resolve my own, and I don’t take steroids.  As I’m up and down the hall all night long, I’m sure she thinks it’s her time to go outside each time.  We currently live in a condo, so we don’t have a back yard and a doggy door, so it’s all up to me. This was my penalty for not buying another home for my wife, the real dog lover, as we went through the downsizing process.  Drink, Pee. Repeat. It’s the same for both me and the dogs, a common bond between a beast and his master.   Sometimes, I’m not sure who’s the beast and who’s the master.  Drink. Pee. Repeat.  It’s like a washing machine cycle that never stops!

To make matters worse, the dog maintenance bills are out of control.  Pet. Vet. Debt. Repeat. The list includes special-diet dog food, ear medication, steroids, Benadryl,  Apoquel, check-ups, paw sprays, pill-pockets, and doggy bags (she also has to poop a lot).  Eat. Poop. Repeat. She may very well soon become the Million Dollar Dog.  Pet. Vet. Debt. Repeat.  I’ve made so many trips to the Vet, just since retirement, that it’s probably a good thing that I no longer have a full-time job.  I’m simply the Dog Sitter, with a dog that is currently trying to get my attention. Drink. Pee. Repeat.   The Horror of it all!