In my ongoing quest to seek information about my adoption, it’s valuable to see it from someone else’s perspective. A very good friend of mine had a baby back when she was in high school and claimed that it was the result of a rape. No charges were ever pressed and the father never knew of the pregnancy, as she never revealed his identity to anyone. She went on to marry twice and had a child with her first husband. A couple of years ago she approached her high school boyfriend and finally admitted that he was indeed the father, realizing that he deserved to know that this child existed. I think this admission was the result of my story and the realization that DNA technology might eventually uncover this secret.

This friend’s confession was with the support of her current husband, also a close friend, who always knew the truth and appreciated the honesty in their relationship. They both were not as up-front with their first spouses, so in moving-on they frankly exposed every skeleton in the closet. This closeness is providing essential support in the dilemma that she now faces. With the recent release of sealed adoption documents by the State of Indiana, the secret is now out of the bag. She has been contacted by her “love child,” who is now 45-years old, and happily married with two children. An Ancestry DNA test also has her linked to the birth father’s family, so she’s been able to quickly uncover the entire mystery of her existence, although I’m sure she wondered most of her life. 

Over the past week, there has been constant e-mail communication between birth-mother and daughter, with a face-to-face meeting scheduled with the bio-father in a few days. Things are moving fast…too fast for my friend. Once again, because of my influence and struggles to connect with my birth-mother, along with the understanding of her husband who is also adopted, she has been very open in answering difficult questions. However, she’s now caught in a troublesome dilemma, especially if she wants to take the relationship any further. 

Her first step would be to tell her child about an older sibling, and try to explain why she had not been honest and forthcoming with this admission. This would be very difficult and embarrassing. It would also reveal the lies of rape that she told the rest of her family. Her mother passed away several years ago, but her brother and sister and their spouses were all involved at the time of birth. Also, her former husband was a victim of her web of deceit. I’m sure they probably saw through her false claims, but will still certainly be surprised when they learn the identity of the boyfriend. They tend to be judgmental, so this adds to her concerns. Not to mention, their children, who will be somewhat temporarily shocked, until they realize that they each could have easily made the same mistake. They grew up in a more liberal environment with birth control pills and legal abortion as options.  

She has explained this dilemma to her long-lost “daughter,” as they continue to e-mail and text. Their is relief in that both parties are financially stable, and in fact have friends in common that vouch for their credibility. However, there is reluctance to meet because of the overhanging baggage of my friend’s  current family. A decision needs to be made on whether or not a full confession will be constructive. I’m sure her “legitimate” child will quickly overcome the initial bombshell and related disappointment to eventually realize that even “Mom” makes mistakes and may even want to meet the half-sister, as I’ve had the opportunity to meet mine. I don’t think it’s fair to expect forever keeping this secret from cousins, so it’s probably best to tell everyone and then let any potential relationships unfold naturally. If not, this will continue to be an awkward dilemma. 

From my standpoint, I’ve found a certain inner-peace in knowing that my birth-mother has lived with a similar dilemma her entire life. I’ve already exposed it to her family, but none of them have been responsive, as was not the case on the birth-father’s side. I can now see, from the perspective of my friend, how the stigma of a high school pregnancy tragically effects a young girl’s life. It starts with how to tell the parents, and how they react, faced with the brutal scrutiny of society? It can lead to lies, embarrassment, and awkwardness with family members. When confronted with the truth, it can trigger deception, and for some there is no going back. I think that’s the case with my birth-mother, even though I don’t know the whole story. She is obviously still in denial at the age of 86. I just feel empathy for these women that are forced to give up a child because there was no other alternative at the time. They carried this child for nine months and were suddenly and permanently separated, expected to feel that they did the right thing. For decades, they try to forget, but often wonder what became of their offspring? It builds an emotional wall of protection between mother and child, so any potential reunion is difficult in many ways. This friend of mine is just another example of the dilemma that unavoidably ensues.