I did not do anything to start the Vietnam War nor anything to stop it, yet as an American I still feel responsible.  By the time the war ended, I had become a casualty of the U.S. war on drugs, but I’ll leave those details for a later post.  Despite this black mark on my character, I finished college, got married, and had a son.  As my contemporaries had lost their lives in Vietnam or returned to a disrespectful homeland, I had never even participated in a single demonstration.  While I thought that I had avoided the war because of a high draft number and educational deferment, in reality by the time I was eligible for the draft, we were already withdrawing troops.  This is a relief to me, knowing that I wasn’t necessarily privileged but rather just fortunate that I was not older.  I also found out that I could get in just as much trouble in college as I could have in Vietnam.  There was just not the threat of death hanging over my head.

I glad the war is over and that I am now more knowledgeable about it.  However, I’m also glad I’ve finished the Vietnam War documentary.  It was an 18-hour emotional roller coaster about a war that I lived through but never knew much about.  The war was not discussed by my family over the dinner table, nor with friends in my college dorms, and it certainly was quickly buried under the rug by Americans as soon as the last troops were finally home.  I feel sorry for the families who lost loved ones, for the veterans who were shunned by society, and for the country and people of Vietnam.  We left them with a mess, while struggling with ourselves about unanswered questions.  We were lied to, misinformed, and forced to misjudge.  The underlying politics were much worse than what we thought, and perhaps we were the enemy, not the good guys.  I was stunned to see our veterans throw away their medals, yet eventually throw themselves into rebuilding and re-educating the country we suddenly left behind.  The former capital of Saigon, is now Sai-gone forever.

As I’ve written many times, retirement is all about reflection.  I now have the time to look back, rather than be so focused on what was ahead.  I spent the first 65 years of life worried about upcoming tests in school, finding and keeping a job, providing for a family, thinking about that next promotion, and saving for retirement.  I was just too busy to look back – making history rather than learning it.

I never saw myself as a warrior, and was usually the tackling dummy during my wrestling years in high school.  I’ve been in one fist-fight in my life (I won of course), and could never shoot to kill.  I would certainly try to protect myself, and understand how quickly my feeling would change if someone was shooting at me.  In war movies, I often can’t figure out who’s on which side.  I can’t imagine how difficult this would be if the enemy is wearing many different uniforms.  We talk about and maybe even understand P.T.S.D., but what about decisions made in the heat of battle, and the paranoia of a woman or child trained to kill you?   It was impossible to identify the enemy in Vietnam, and in many cases that was deception by design.  We’re quick to judge even the police and their decisions in life-threatening situations.  We are human beings who make mistakes, but even bigger ones when we have a gun.

After watching the Ken Burns documentary in its entirety, I almost feel like I was there.  I’m glad to see some openness when it comes to this war that was hidden from us for many years.  I admire those who served on either side, those who protested, and even those who moved to Canada.  In each case, it required a sense of bravery and sacrifice.