The “Great Outdoors” is why people flock to Portland. The Coast is just an hour away and the Mountains an hour north. There are rivers, waterfalls, lakes, and trees that are every hiker’s dream. The rain grows it lush, and the summers are ideal. Camping, fishing, swimming, rafting, biking, climbing and boating make the Great Outdoors of Oregon everyone’s second home. Well, maybe not everyone! I’m here only because my wife accepted a job offer, not because of the abundance of outdoor activities.
As you may know, I’ve been accused by my wife of being a homebody. When some friends suggested that I go hiking yesterday, she just laughed. She knew that I would rather be home in air conditioned comfort, but she also knew that I would go with the flow. Her text message to me later in the day was, “How’s my nature lover?” I have been home for only 4 of the last 16 days – so it’s hardly the life of a homebody. I’ve been everywhere from the Oregon Coast to Miami, and have had little “my time,” where I’m alone, content and happy. In these early days of retirement, I’m searching for that perfect balance between seeing the world, enjoying family and friendships, and just being a slug at home.
When I travel somewhere, I don’t think about communing with nature. I prefer a more controlled environment, but not to the extent of Seinfeld’s “bubble boy.” It’s not that I’m afraid of spiders and snakes, or even disease, I just prefer the Great Indoors – and maybe bringing the outdoors in. You won’t see a jungle safari, national parks, or rafting adventures on my bucket list. If someone else wants to go, I will gladly join them, if I can take my cell phone and computer. Also, I’ve never owned a boat, classic car, motorcycle, or tractor and I don’t like the idea of mowing or gardening. The condo life is for me…Green Acres is not! I get worried when I don’t see sidewalks, indoor plumbing, or a light switch. I can camp for maybe one night, but would prefer a motor home with a driver.
Home is not the range, yet I haven’t led the bubble life. I’ve seen the Grand Canyon, but not sure that I’d want to hike it. We went to Yellowstone Park when I was a kid, so been there and done that! I’ve even participated in a winter camp out, but not without Jack Daniels. I’ve zip-lined, tolerated a hot air balloon ride, and survived parasailing, though none were my idea, and I certainly didn’t pay. The same was true about white water canoeing and rafting. I do own snow skis and golf clubs, but they get little use, and some rusty garden tools, in case the Homeowners Association goes on strike. There was a time when I enjoyed a sunny day of skiing, but only because the lodge was nearby. You won’t find a backpack in my closet, trunk, or garage, and we don’t own a tent. Although, my wife does have a picnic-pak that might be considered a back pack, and she also bought an earthquake preparedness kit that just might be my worst nightmare if we ever have to use it. We do have an inflatable mattress in case our guest rooms are over-occupied by outdoor adventurers.
I do prefer to watch baseball, soccer, and football in outdoor stadiums, but basketball needs to be played indoors I am going to my second polo match, but only because Bruce Hornsby is playing, but I am concerned about the tradition of having to replace the divots at half-time – isn’t that considered yard work? I’m a runner, and also prefer the outdoors to a treadmill. It’s the one thing I do every day to get some fresh air, but once I’m done I don’t need any more. I do not have a problem with swimming pools or even swimming in the ocean. As far as I’m concerned, the sun is my only outdoor friend, and I enjoy its warmth on my skin. I just hope it doesn’t come back to haunt me. Sunshine does often come with high humidity, so air conditioning and pina coladas must be nearby.
You can call me a “homebody,” or “condo-man,” just don’t call me to go on an outdoor adventure. My idea of an adventure is going to Disneyland, and we go there often. My son and his family will be meeting us in San Francisco next month, and he wants to make two separate excursions to see both the Sequoia and Redwood Trees. I’m glad that he’s doing that before we arrive, because the “nature lover” in me wants to say, “all trees look alike to me, and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.” In fact, as I’m writing this, we’re having plantation shutters installed in our condo. They seem appropriate for me because they shut out the outdoors, and leave me in a dark, cool environment suitable for growing mushrooms. The next step might be to install bullet-proof, steel shields on the outside worthy of a panic room. The “panic” for me is never on the inside, only on the outside.
Should I correct your spelling, Nature Boy?