I think that most men think of growing a beard in retirement.   To me, it was never an acceptable part of the business world. How could you possibly trust someone who had a beard?  Honest Abe got away with it, but it was also a sign of the times.  In the past few years, I’ve noticed more and more beards and mustaches in business, while events like Movember make growing a beard fashionable for a charitable cause.

For a while in my life, I worried that I could disappear to a deserted island, and be found months later with little noticeable facial hair growth.  Some of my friends could grow a beard in an afternoon.  Somehow I had gotten cheated of this manly right! Eventually, I accepted the fact that I was better off without a beard in the sales world, and frowned about those who sported one.   Were they hiding from something?  Hiding those teenage acne scars!  I was probably just jealous!

Today even “The Most Interesting Man In The World” has a beard.  Sports figures all have them, looking like something out of the late 1800s.  None of my sports heroes ever had a beard!  Women remain divided – those who like a man with a beard and those who don’t.  My wife, fortunately, does not like beards and discourages her employees from growing them.   Women with beards still aren’t fashionable, so thank god for laser hair removal.

When I was in high school there was no chance of growing a beard.  There were some very fine hairs, after not shaving for a week, that formed the rough outline of lamp chops, if you looked very carefully.  I actually once used mascara to darken them. They didn’t look too bad from a distance, especially if it was dark and I was crusin’ down Main Street on a Saturday night.  I think that the artist formerly known as Prince used this technique on his mustache.  That was my first real attempt to look manly to strangers, maybe adding an un-lit cigarette and a beer can filled with water.  How sad but true!  I also remember trying to grow a mustache when I was in my late twenties, thinking that maturity had finally crossed my path.  By that time, I could have probably grown an Amish-style beard without the mustache, or maybe have given Prince a run for his money.  It just wasn’t a good look!

There are plenty of bad beards out there.  Do these guys ever look in the mirror, or have their eyebrows limited their eyesight?  I never wanted to be one of those guys.  Mine was going to be perfect or not at all!  Perfect never happened.  Male celebrities like Bradley Cooper, Ryan Gosling, Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta, and Nicholas Cage have all tried and failed. These past three days my wife has been out of town, and I haven’t shaved.  This is honestly the longest I’ve gone since that failed attempt in my late twenties.  After all these years of shaving nearly every day, my beard had thickened, but most of the growth is gray.  The areas around the corners and below my mouth are suspect, and my sideburns are weak with potential.  At least, there would be noticeable growth if I were stranded on an island like Tom Hanks, with no one but Wilson to care.  A beard at this stage of life would make me look like a crusty old man, unless I resorted to Just for Men or mascara.  At least in this life, I got the good, thick hair on top of my head, so no complaints to the beard gods!