I’m getting used to doing nothing. At least, doing nothing is something. I had one of those glorious days yesterday, with no commitments, plans, or appointments to worry about. There wasn’t even a travel schedule to adhere to, a meal to cook, or another episode on TV to watch. Yet, the hours went by quickly, even without a nap. I must have gotten lost in “Banister World,” searching for more clues about the family I never had. It’s not as if I really missed out on anything. My life undoubtedly turned out better being adopted. However, it’s fascinating to imagine the alternative. Would I have even gotten the opportunity to retire and enjoy a “do nothing” day?

There are video games where the choices you make can be reviewed and changed. Life is not like that! Once you take the fork in the road, you can’t go back. There are decisions that you regret and can’t change, but you always have to feel like you made the right choice. Adoption was not a choice for me, but it was for others. The couple that took me into their home gave me everything I needed to be successful. I tried hard to blow that! The other family that struggled with my destiny had a pregnant daughter and few alternatives.

It wasn’t until I was graduating from college that abortion on demand was no longer a crime. Gambling and alcohol were also crimes at one time, but that didn’t stop them from happening. I suppose there were crooked doctors that could help a young girl get rid of a problem, or worse yet just plain crooks. The family probably had little money and limited insurance, so the costs of a big city birthing home and hospitalization were major sacrifices. However, they somehow found the means to do the right thing.

It’s different now, since the Indiana laws have changed. I read a recent article in the Indianapolis Star about the current situation: “abortions are only allowed to be performed by a doctor during the first trimester or three months of pregnancy based on the recommendation of a pregnant woman’s doctor. After that, an abortion must be performed in a hospital or licensed surgical center — but before a fetus is viable, or capable of living under normal conditions, outside the fetus. After viability, an abortion is only allowed in Indiana to protect the health of the mother and must be performed in a hospital with a premature birth unit, if available, and in the presence of a second physician.”

It costs $400-$500 to take a life today in the first trimester, much more than a 5-day hospital stay to give birth 67 years ago. Any way you look at it, the expense, associated shame, and isolated experience of being sent away from home would haunt any woman for a lifetime. This is why I don’t blame my birth mother for wanting to take her secret to the grave. The attitude about unwed mothers in that era was disturbing, as described below. I can’t repeat enough times how grateful I am that she endured this humiliation so that I could raise a family of my own and enjoy a comfortable retirement.

The Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers in Indianapolis was one of the only affordable options for prenatal care in the early 50’s, supported by the Protestant Church. Planned Parenthood was not formed until 1955. However, on the Coleman Moms and Babes website the director of the program, Ruth Henderson apparently described how these girls coming to the home would want to keep their children. These girls were strongly discouraged from that train of thought. Her words, I swear. The maternity homes had to make sure that these young girls followed through with relinquishment. Most of these girls were told that since they got pregnant that they would NOT be good mothers. These homes told these women that they could not be mothers without a husband. A husband is what made them mothers. Ms. Henderson happily reported that most of these mothers willingly changed their minds once they understood this. 

This is where my birth mother spent the end of the summer of her 18th year, when most of her high school classmates were reporting for their Senior year. Her slightly older “boyfriend” had gone off to the Marines, probably unaware of her dilemma. She eventually left Indianapolis with nothing but the scars of my arrival into the world, and returned to a family that may have wanted to disown her. I can only speculate what happened to her next? Two months later, I was under the loving care of my adopted family, who were thrilled to have what she helped make. All these years later, I’m still trying to piece together this missing chapter of my life story.

If circumstances were different, would I have worked on the Banister family farm? Would I have had the opportunity to attend college? What would I have done for a living, and would I still be working instead of enjoying another “Do Nothing” day? I’m glad there was really no legal abortion choice back in 1951, even though her angry father might have tried to find one. Ultimately, the safety of his daughter was paramount, and the decision was to “do nothing” to interfere with nature. Thankfully, “doing nothing” was for me…. Something!