Category: DIARY OF AN ADOPTEE (Page 15 of 18)

In honor of my birth mother’s 85th birthday today, I spent all morning in “Banister World.” That world has now grown to include Poole, Davidson, Whipple, Cravens, McKinney, and even a Ritter. It’s this one Ritter that’s the biggest “Riddle” of all! Edna Faye may not realize that her world has become my world, as I continue to seek clues to my roots. There are now hundreds of “relatives” on my tree, but I’ve yet to meet or talk with one of them in person. It seems a little strange to explore this family that didn’t exist for me at the beginning of this year. Little by little I’m putting the pieces together, like a jig-saw puzzle of life.

It is unlikely that she will ever directly share information with me, but I’ve made connections with people close to her. I’ve attained some photos and names that have gotten me as close to her as I’ve ever been since birth. She apparently has little interest in a relationship with me for the second time in our lives. I don’t know whether to see this as rejection or skepticism? I’m also beginning to wonder about her relationship with my father, concerned that it didn’t end well and I am a painful reminder of their youthful affair.  It’s been 66 years now since she gave me up for adoption, and I’ve taken all the difficult first steps. I found her and tried to contact her both directly and through her only other living son, also named Jerry Lee. She also has a daughter named Janet that is now my estranged step sister. She may yet not know of my existence.

I’ve been promised a phone conversation with the daughter of her sister’s closest cousin, and I’m waiting patiently for that to happen. I would like a clue as to the identity of the father, who could now be 87. Is he alive and does he know of my existence? She may have never admitted to him that she was pregnant, as the family sent her away to Indianapolis to give birth. Her sister is 86 and is my sole conduit to her. She would be the only other living person who might know the answer to the mysterious paternity question. My 23andMe contact, Terry, believes that he is related to me through this man, but we’ve yet to find the actual connection, just our matching DNA. (See Post #469). It was through this site that I also matched and communicated with Janine, who has passed along my findings to my birth mother through her mother. I couldn’t have found a more cooperative person to help in my quest. Since our first e-mails, I have also found several additional blood relatives as a result of a similar DNA test through Ancestry.com. However, it’s a shame that three of my closest matches have not responded to any messages. Janine identified one of them named Cathy as her cousin, so maybe they have talked? I’m the stranger and a “black sheep in the family,” so it’s not advisable for me to get too aggressive in my search.

I wish a happy birthday to my birth mother, Edna, and want her to know that I have fully embraced the life she gave me. I hope that she and her son don’t view me as a threat with suspicion of some kind of financial motive. I’ve seen several photos on Facebook pages of their homes and lives in Seymour, Indiana. It’s the blue-collar hometown of John Cougar Mellencamp, so a Hoosier neighborhood of “Little Pink Houses” and not Beverly Hills. I want nothing more than to solve the puzzle of who I am and how I relate to this world of relatives that I’ve uncovered? The once cold case is getting quite warm. 

After getting back from our trip, I initiated some additional family inquiries. First, I got my DNA tests back from Ancestry.com, so I contacted a couple of close matches that were listed as first and second cousins. The last names were not familiar, like Crews, Pearcy, Hale, Burkman, and Pershing. There was also a Banister male and a Bannister female listed as possible third cousins that I’m in the process of contacting. My primary quest now is to seek information on the birth father. Second, I sent another follow-up e-mail to Banister family cousin Janine, hoping to arrange a phone conversation. I think she can get me some pictures of my birth mother at a younger age, and maybe some specifics on the father. There are only two people alive in the world that would have knowledge of his identity, my soon to be 85 birth mother and her 86 year old sister. Janine’s mother is regularly in touch with the sister, so I’m confident that photos and information that I’m sending are getting to my birth mother. This gives me comfort, knowing that I’ve done everything possible to get in touch with her. Third, I bought a 6-month subscription to Ancestry.com yesterday, and have already gotten some inquiries. I’ve also spent some time updating the Jerry Banister Family Tree on the site that I started a couple of months ago. 

The last note from Janine expressed my birth mother’s hesitation to respond to my communications. I will give her time, but at her age time is at a premium. To be blunt, I’m concerned that my birth father’s identity may go to the grave with her and her sister. I did not get the DNA match that I was expecting with Bruce Banister, the family genealogist who maintains one of the Banister Family Trees on the site. This would have given me more credibility in establishing a relationship with this “second family.” I do have the match with Janine that was established on 23andMe. I‘m fortunate that she’s been helpful in my search, and look forward to my phone conversation with her.  

In my quest to connect with my birth mother, I will attempt to communicate what I know about “Banister World,” based on what I’ve found on the internet and my new connection, Janine. She turns out to be the granddaughter of Fred Banister, who would be my biological grandfather’s (Ivan “Pete” Banister) younger brother. They were both part of the family of eight brothers, including twins that apparently died in 1916. “Pete” was born in 1902, Joe 1904, Fred 1906, Lewis 1908, Clyde 1911, Ora 1913, and the deceased twins in 1916.

It’s amazing to me (and confirmation of the accuracy of the 23andMe lab tests) that these DNA results provided the link between Janine and me as “second cousins.” There is still an unidentified “first cousin” link that has not yet responded to my messages. If Janine is this closely related, then this other anonymous DNA connection has to be a “relative” on the level of our biological parents. I will try some additional messaging with the new specifics that I have on our potential relationship.

The next generation of the six surviving Banister brothers (Janine sent me a picture) also includes her mother Audrey’s brother, Jerry William Banister born in Shelbyville in 1939 along with Sally and Vernel, who both had children, as well. My birth name was Jerry Lee Banister, perhaps named after what would be my birth mother’s uncle? It’s still a mystery why she named both me and her first legitimate son Jerry? His name is Jerry Lee Poole and this was years before Jerry Lee Lewis made the moniker famous.  

My birth mother, Edna Faye’s siblings totaled seven including twin boys, who each had families of their own. Furthermore, there were four additional family branches that were comprised of the offspring of my grandfather Pete that have yet to be accurately identified. There seem to be Banister branches sprouting from everywhere! I will continue to update my Ancestry.com tree as I get more information. Needless to say, “Banister World” is currently an overwhelming group of strangers that I try to get my mind around.

Janine has been great about giving me family details, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome. She’s even graciously invited me to give her a phone call but warns of reluctance on my birth mother’s part. I will give this all a rest for a week or so until I return home from this Mediterranean cruise that we’re on. I couldn’t be any further away from “Banister World.”   

I continue to communicate with my genetic match on 23andMe. As you can see from the following letter, it’s getting me very close to making contact with my birth mother.

Dear Mike:

I spoke with my Mom today and then I saw your long email tonight. Everything you wrote (See Post #469) is parallel to what she told me. I’ve not yet met Bruce Banister, but he has done extensive work for many, if not all, of my Grandfather Freddie Banister’s family. He is on fb with many of my first cousins. Freddie had 8 kids, 35 grands, and I haven’t counted up all the great grands! I found you on Adoption Registry.

Not sure what you know, but your Grandfather is (Ivan Otis) aka Pete Banister, the oldest brother of 6 boys, by Lilly and Henry Banister. Ivan (1902), Joseph (1904), Freddie (1906), Lewis (1908), Clyde (1911), Ora (1913), twins died (1916). Your Grandmother is Ruby.

My Mom called Eva Joyce today, Edna’s sister. Mom has usually communicated with Eva Joyce or oldest sister Evelyn, now deceased. Mom is also 85. As far as she knows Edna’s health is normal . . . I don’t know where this will go but I hope you can meet your biological family soon. I have an address for Edna Faye but no phone number.

I love being connected to family, even though sometimes its the hardest thing in the world because of expectations or personalities. So I want to help you. Mom and one of my Uncle’s keeps up with marriages, births, deaths as best they can with so many. My Uncle is not an easy person, an understatement. And I am the most interested of the cousins in keeping up, but nothing to the extent of Bruce.

I’m going to attach photos. I hope my description carries with each photo and if not, I’ll go back and name people for you. Am sending my grandparents at their 25th anniversary, with their 8 who are first cousins to Edna Faye.

There are a few pics of Edna. I trust they are identified correctly, done over 15 years ago.

I hope she will be understanding and let you into their lives!

After this stunning news, here was my breathless response:

Thank you so much, Janine. I was so excited to get these pictures and share them with my wife. It took some digging on your part, so I appreciate the effort. At the very least, I now know that word will eventually get to Edna about my whereabouts – the rest is up to her. My wife still has a 96-year old mother back in Rochester, Indiana that we visit about every three months. On the last trip, I went to the Shelbyville library and looked through yearbooks, hoping to get some pictures of Edna, Evelyn, Eva, and the brothers. That was when I found out that the family moved to Mount Vernon before any of them were in high school. On our next trip, I planned to go to the Jennings County library and check their resources.

I’m grateful that you understand my curiosity and quest for information. I feel much better now that I’m not “stalking” potential relatives. It’s interesting that an “adoption angel” had misled me to an Edna Bannister in the Rome, Georgia area. You’re about three and a half hours away from there in Perry, as I understand. About 6 years ago I established a Facebook Page under my birth name of Jerry Lee Bannister (the adoption agency had all my paperwork with the double “n” spelling). I’m actually friends with Bruce Banister in Shelbyville and many other Bannisters throughout Georgia, as a result of this slight devious deception. I was hoping to find Edna as a result of some of these contacts that I thought might know her in Georgia without raising any suspicion. I also have my Michael Johnston Facebook page so I can wish myself a Happy Birthday every year with a bit of a chuckle.

I won’t bore you with any other details about my lifelong search, but I also felt a very strong sense of loving loyalty to my adoptive parents, who gave me everything I needed. I do have an adopted younger sister who successfully made contact with her birth mother many years ago. I was not as aggressive as she was in a search, and it’s really been other people that have done the legwork for me. Thanks again for your help, it will take some time to sort out all these Banister connections.

Best, Mike

We’ve now exchanged pictures and several letters, so things are suddenly moving fast. Decisions will have to be made on both sides, but Anonymous Janine has graciously put herself in the middle. It’s intriguing to me that after years of fishing for connections through adoption & legal paperwork, search angels, social media, newspaper obituaries, library visits, certified letters, and phone calls that a simple saliva sample led me to the right people.

I have to credit my sales manager at the radio station I recently retired from for initially encouraging me to do a DNA test and her recommendation of 23andMe. It led me to my communication with “Third to Fourth Cousin” Fred, who sent me the birth certificate and census report from my birth mother, and now “Second Cousin” Janine’s mom is regularly in touch with my birth mother’s sister. Best of all, I now know for sure that my birth mother is still alive.

The photos that were included in this e-mail of my birth mother shows her 15 years younger than the more recent photo posted on her son’s Facebook page. Until today, I could only speculate that was actually her picture. Now, I know for sure, because although her appearance has changed in that timeframe, it’s definitely the same woman! She’ll be 85 in 16 days, and this will be the first time in my 66 years that I will celebrate the day with her (whether she knows it or not.)

I sent out a couple of messages last week via 23andMe to two individuals considered to be “DNA Relatives.” Both preferred to remain Anonymous on the site and were simply identified as First (Male) and Second (Female) Cousins with 11.6% (30 segments) shared and 5.37% (17 segments) respectively. A Second to Third Cousin is also identified by the name of Phil with 2.46% (8 segments). These are the highest matches for me on the list of 1,114 relatives. A Third to Fourth Cousin named Terry (.96% 2 segments shared) was my initial connection through the site. (See Post #410). He was the individual who provided me with the birth certificate and 1940 census identifying my birth mother, Edna Faye.

For those of you not familiar with the 23andMe website, it is a privately held personal genomics and biotechnology company based in California. The firm is named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes in a normal human cell. In 2007, 23andMe became the first company to begin offering autosomal DNA testing for ancestry, which all the major companies like Ancestry.com now use. I sent a saliva sample to them over a year ago, and they provided me with a list of those with matching chromosomes – my blood relatives. Through the message board on the website I sent this message to these anonymous First and Second cousins:  

“I am adopted, so I have little family background. Our DNA matches closely, so I’m hoping you can provide some information.

My name is Mike Johnston and I live in Portland, Oregon. I was born in Indianapolis Indiana on 8/27/1951 as Jerry Lee Bannister. Mother is Edna Faye Banister and father an unknown Marine.

Is there a connection that you can think of?”

I was excited because I got the following message back from my female second cousin, providing her connection to the Banister family and revealing her identity:

“Hello, I’m responding to you from 23 and Me. I’ve never followed up on anything before, but oddly enough, I saw this email.

Yes, I know an Edna Faye, she is my mother’s cousin. I have met her only a few times. Her family stayed in southern Indiana but mine, through Freddie Banister, Edna’s Uncle, ended up in Illinois.

I’ll get back to you.

Janine”

While I’m still waiting for a similar DNA test from Ancestry.com that may provide even more insights into the Banister family, I can now find genealogical links to Janine and “Uncle Freddie” on the Jerry Bannister Family Tree that I have started to create in Ancestry. Plus, the feedback from this additional DNA test should also establish a credible link between myself and Bruce Banister, who identifies himself on Ancestry as the Banister Family historian. He’s my birth mother’s nephew, who I have recently become Facebook friends with under my Jerry Lee Bannister alias.

Confusing I know, but aren’t the roots of all family trees tangled? I’m not sure if I’ve ever figured out all the twisted branches of my life-long adopted family with last names of Johnston, Hancher, Hizer, Stackhouse, Elliott, and Logan. These were people that I actually knew. By contrast, I haven’t met a single Banister yet, and Janine’s response is the closest I’ve come to meeting a true blood relative. I’ll look forward to additional communication, and return to “Bannister World” to let you know more on a future post. 

Despite the recent “refusal” of my certified letter, “Banister World” continues to expand. (See Post #459). My interest in this newly discovered family tree has also generated some activity on my wife’s part to build her own genealogical chart through ancestry.com. She spent a couple of days on the site working on her father’s side of the family, and discovered some never-discussed relatives. It was a pleasant diversion from work, puzzles and video games. We will both but our family projects on hold during the upcoming cruise – another nice diversion – as we fulfill visits to some of the destinations on our bucket list.

I used my Jerry Lee Bannister moniker on Facebook to make some new connections with the Bannister clan. Two people accepted, including probable Indiana relatives in Shelbyville and Seymour. Most of my other “friends” on this site are from the Rome, Georgia area, where I initially was directed to find my birth mother. That particular lead turned out to be wrong, coming from an adoption search angel out of Lafayette, Indiana. www.SearchAngels.org. They describe themselves as “a non-profit organization here to assist you with your genealogy and DNA test results for those seeking help unraveling the past in search of their biological family.” I should probably tell them that the word “unraveling” is misspelled on their website banner. They were very helpful but in retrospect sent me down the wrong path.

I thought that the Jerry Lee Bannister Facebook page would provide some clues, as I formed “friendships” with fellow Bannister’s down in that area of Georgia. I used my picture, but disguised my true identity in an effort to protect my birth mother’s secret, as her illegitimate child. As it turns out, her maiden name was actually Banister without the two n’s that appear on my birth records. It was probably an honest mistake, but could have been an attempt by her family to further protect her identity. Finding her turned up some other twists in masking her given name, with two marriages where she used the names of Poole and Davidson. The certified letter I sent was addressed to Edna Davidson, the latest name on record for her. There was no reason for her to know the contents of that letter, so I feel confident that the “refusal” was because I had the wrong address instead of the incorrect person. I may send the letter again without certification.

I continue to wait for my ancestry.com DNA results. My hope is to confirm a genetic link with my birth mother’s nephew, one of the people that I just connected with on Facebook today. He probably doesn’t realize yet that I’m the same person that randomly contacted him. He was listed as the primary research provider for the Banister (Bannister) family tree on ancestry. He immediately answered my message with “have you had a DNA test yet, cousin?” I replied by writing that I had my DNA test through the competitor, so there was no way to compare our results. I then took the initiative to purchase a second test, and should have my results soon. If my information is correct, it should match up closely with his sample. I will then be able to communicate with him directly through Facebook, although the only apparent indication on his page of a relationship with my birth mother is his “friendship” with her son. This was the same son who signed for my initial certified letter to his address, but has never responded. I had provided a self-addressed, stamped envelope for the purpose of either confirmation or denial.

It is obviously important to use both of these genealogy websites, since the DNA lab tests are not interconnected. If I had not submitted to 23andme, I would have never heard from a suspected “third cousin,” whose genealogical expertise provided me with the birth certificate and 1940 census information on my birth mother’s whereabouts. He also just recently notified me that a second DNA test on his part led to finding a Bannister relative in his background. We will continue to compare notes on solving the mystery of our genetic relationship. The are many more secrets to unlock. 

I have friends at the hospital waiting for their daughter to deliver their first grandchild, my son’s wife is due in May for my third grandchild, and we just attended a baby shower for my wife’s niece, so it’s been hard to focus on anything but birth these past few days. It’s now been over 6 weeks since I sent my initial letter to my probable birth mother’s son. (See Post #393). At that point, I did not have her direct contact information, however this has changed over the past few days. I was doing some Google searches in my time between planes, and discovered a phone number and address, along with the name of a potential step-sister. I was reluctant to go any further, and decided to put my “Banister World” quest on hold for another day.

I had grown tired of this pursuit after my recent pilgrimage to Indiana, hoping to learn more about my roots. I did write down this newly discovered information, but failed to share it with my wife, knowing that she would probably push me to act quickly. I had not heard back from the son, and felt weary of the entire search, questioning my need for answers and the time I already had invested. Was it that important to know? Did I really want to get involved with these strangers that were my blood relatives? What should I do next? My wife had that answer right away, presenting me with the same address and phone number that I had found but did not share. She’s a woman of action and had done her own search, immediately suggesting a call this morning to see if the number was still active. I have to admit that I was curious, but all we got was an old-fashioned answering machine with a man’s voice. My wife responded that her elderly mother used a similar ploy to screen calls after her father had passed away. There was no clue that a woman lived there, or any indication of a name. At least, it hadn’t been disconnected. Even she admitted that the only alternative was to write another certified letter:

Dear Edna,

I wanted to thank you for giving me life. My name is Mike Johnston and I live in Portland, Oregon. I was born to you on August 27, 1951 at Wishard Hospital in Indianapolis, and placed for adoption through the Suemma Coleman Agency. I have known your name for over 30 years, but only recently discovered your whereabouts. In fact, I wrote your son, Jerry Poole, about 6 weeks ago, hoping that he would be helpful in my search for you. I apologize if I’ve caused you any embarrassment, but I feel that we both have lived this long to take advantage of any opportunity to re-connect.

I do not know the circumstances of my birth, only that the father was a Marine. I would like to know more, but I realize that you may not have ever wanted me to contact you. With this in mind, I will be respectful of your privacy and limit my communication to this letter before taking any other steps. I do want you to know that that I am happily married, healthy, comfortably retired, and have a 43 year-old son, who is about to give me a third grandchild. I would have never enjoyed these blessings of life without you.

As you read this, I understand that you could likely be skeptical and protective of your past. I do not mean to disrupt your family, and I wish I would have had your contact information before writing your son. It was probably a shock to him in suddenly learning of my existence, so I can see where he would be cautious about replying. I was simply trying to find if you were alive and in good health.

I’ve included a self-addressed stamped envelope should you want to write me back, and my phone number is 512-470-1125. I promise to immediately discontinue any communication if that is your wish, or if my information is incorrect. I look forward to hearing from you.

I will probably take it to the post office tomorrow with renewed hope, as I continue to drag my feet about the subject that has been met with deep-seeded resistance. I appreciate that my wife is pushing me to take action while there is still time to potentially reunite.

I’m stuck in “Banister World” and need to get out of Indiana before I obsess about it any longer. I’m feeling troubled for the family I never knew, and respectfully grateful they were never a part of my life’s story. Obituaries tell the whole sad tale of two marriages, divorces, three boys and a girl, two dead at 33 and 42 respectively, the loss of six older brothers & sisters, and a father’s heart attack at only 62. No one should endure that much loss in a lifetime. Before all this, there was also the loss of me, if my adoption was against her wishes?

Small town America, southern Indiana, and rural life could not be farther off the path of opportunity that I’ve walked. My birth was the fork in the road, and fortunately I didn’t have to choose. I might have never gone to college, found the media business, lived in major cities like Portland and Austin, and traveled the world. From my perspective, I grew up with everything I wanted, avoided the tragic loss of loved ones, achieved career success, and am currently enjoying a comfortable retirement. I’m sure I would have been happy as a Banister and maybe could have broken the mold, but life would have been very different.

After venturing to the quiet town of Shelbyville, and learning of the move to even smaller North Vernon, then to Seymour (see more, what?), I’m ready to return to the spoils of big city life. “Banister World” may not be for me, so perhaps there’s a good reason why I haven’t gotten a response that might draw me deeper into what may very well be a darker side of life. Or, am I the “cousin” they all just might resent? I’m certainly no better – just different.