Category: POEMS (Page 7 of 30)

Rhymes of all kinds

Retirement is not without Hassles: Spam #1612

February 26, 2021 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

If it weren’t for spam I would be lonely. No one would call or even write. As it is, however, I get too much unwanted attention with at least a dozen daily attempts to extend my warranty, get more benefits from Medicare, or offer insurance discounts. Occasionally, there’s even some porn. My phone now tells me if it’s potential spam, but this has also caused me to block-out welcome callers. With everyone blocked, I now know that all my calls are spam.

Today is an early Leadership Zoom call, as we reflect on the sorry state of I.U. basketball, struggling business, home improvement updates, and how much we miss live music. Another “Archie Miller must go” e-mail got through my spam filter. He should just resign and save us all a lot of money. It will take years now to restore “The Glory of Old I.U.” I give up on this season and will focus all my energy on fighting spam.

Spam

I’d be lonely,
If it weren’t for Spam.
People who think,
I give a damn.

No one would write,
Or even call.
It seems these days,
No one cares at all.

When the phone rings,
It’s Medicare.
Or Life Insurance,
So please beware.

Extend your warranty,
Buy a discount card.
Another unwanted call,
Always be on guard.

Blocking them all,
Just won’t matter.
With endless lines,
To spread their chatter.

Annoying offers,
They’ll never end.
They’ve got your number,
Or e-mail to send.

You’ll unsubscribe,
Until you’re blue.
Or text STOP,
Delete them, too.

But they’ll be back,
To bug you more.
They might even knock,
On your front door.

With everyone blocked.
All my calls are spam.
If you need to reach me,
Send a Telegram.

Retirement is not without Hassles: Backyard Dreams #1598

February 13, 2021 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Valentine’s Day is a time for flowers, poems, and in my case a Limoges Box gift. As my wife and I celebrate our twenty-second, it’s time to look forward to our upcoming Florida retirement life. She was so excited to have palm trees in her new yard that I found a porcelain rendering of a hammock stretched between two palms to commemorate the occasion. My tradition is to insert a special poem inside the hinged box for presentation.

Backyard Dreams

There are Palm Trees,
On our Venice lot.
Providing shade,
When it is hot.

A hammock swing,
Might be right.
For lazy days,
Soon in sight.

Our Florida home,
Is nearly done.
Where we’ll enjoy,
The setting sun.

A gentle sway,
Will aid your nap.
While hiding under,
A baseball cap.

But unlike being,
Safe in bed.
Keep a lookout,
Watch your head.

While you relax,
And search the sky.
A coconut bomb,
Just might fly.

And down below,
The gators crawl.
So hang on tight,
Don’t slip and fall.

Plus, don’t go out,
In a hurricane.
That might prove,
To be insane.

The pool’s inside,
No worries there.
Enjoy the water,
Without a care.

Backyard dreams,
My Valentine.
I’m sure glad,
That you are mine.

Twenty-two years,
Of being in love.
But the first you’ll own,
Palm Trees above.

Retirement is not without Hassles: Eight Fate #1592

February 8, 2021 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Eight Fate

At an Eddy’s table,
On February Eight.
We came together,
As was our fate.

We celebrated this,
Twenty-two times.
With little gifts,
And silly rhymes.

With Valentines,
Just a week away.
We’ve created another,
Heart throb day.

Doubling down,
With Cupid’s aid.
Hoping our love,
Will never fade.

Today marks,
Our “Eddiversary,”
A special kind,
Of Anniversary.

In these times,
When hugs are rare.
We’re grateful for
The love we share.

Diamonds or pearls,
Not this year.
Where we travel,
Isn’t yet clear.

But, a custom home,
In the Sunshine state.
We’ll soon have,
A move-in date.

The beach nearby,
A backyard pool.
Grandkid fun,
When not in school.

Our retirement life,
Has just begun.
The best yet to come,
Twenty-Twenty-One.

Retirement is not without Hassles: Marriott Millionaire #1585

February 1, 2021 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Marriott Millionaire

I’m a Marriott Millionaire,
With points to burn.
Always anxious to find,
Creative ways to earn.

Mother Marriott,
Is my second home.
Provides a bed or beach,
Even a misplaced comb.

I can check-in on my phone.
Platinum service at any hour.
Special upgrades to a suite,
It’s like a Superpower.

Travel almost anywhere,
From Bali to Orlando.
Dine in my pajamas,
Or use credits for a show.

I’m a Vacation Club owner,
With condos worldwide.
There’s few places I can’t go,
When Mother’s at my side.

As a Bonvoy card holder,
More rewards go in my bank.
With everything I buy,
I have J.W. to thank.

I rarely use my wallet,
They know me everywhere.
From Maui to Bangkok,
I haven’t got a care.

I might be in the pool,
Or sunning on the beach.
A sandwich or a cocktail,
Is never out of reach.

My wife is almost jealous,
And sadly would agree.
She says, “you love your points,
More than you love me!”

Retirement is not without Hassles: Miami Memories #1584

February 1, 2021 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Before the plane ride home from Miami yesterday, my wife reminded me that I typically write a recap poem after each of our adventures. I went to work during the nine hours it took to get back to Portland.

Miami Memories

Flew into Miami Beach,
Airport for the night.
Unlike the gloom left behind,
The skies were blue and bright.

Rental Hertz to Adam’s,
Dance Recital to attend.
Fairfield our Venice home,
Marriott points to spend.

A reunion with Lexie,
Sidewalk Chalk to buy.
Birthday boy is fourteen,
And wants that Cutout, why?

Dining out every night,
Seven to a table.
No longer stuck inside,
Glad to cut the cable.

Golf for the guys,
Neighbors to greet.
Sun baked skin.
Sand under feet.

Saw our new roof,
Begin to take form.
The beach gave life,
A sense of norm.

Subway picnic on Manasota,
As chilly waves rolled in.
Seashells and shark’s teeth,
Glad we didn’t see a fin!

The Sarasota Emersons,
A couple biker bars.
Alligator sighting,
A home we’ll soon call ours.

Cracker Barrel stops,
A dent in the hood.
That crazy coconut,
Was it up to no good?

Enjoyed a Dolphin sunset.
The Berry’s our hosts.
Spooner in Vero,
Dodgertown ghosts.

Too much driving,
We have a tanning date.
The Deco District calling,
The Keys will have to wait.

Pacific in our front yard.
Chairs strapped to our back.
Raven’s streak to watch,
Stone Crabs yet to Crack.

Sancerre and martinis,
Setting back our clocks.
The only real problem,
Was finding missing socks.

Though without a pool,
We’ll soon have our own.
Another presentation call,
Don’t answer the phone.

We finally ate,
Some key lime pie.
And went to bed,
With a sugar high!

The Betsy for a steak,
Walgreens for gourmet.
Except for that sandstorm,
Another sunny day.

Pizza in the toaster,
Fire Alarm goes off,
Please keep your distance,
And mask that cough.

The scene on Ocean Drive,
A tropical path to stroll.
South Beach paradise,
Popover not just roll.

We might stay forever,
But Tally wants us back.
My belly fat is burning,
And just too much butt crack.

Retirement is not without Hassles: Top Down #1551

December 27, 2020 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Top Down

Take your top down,
Expose yourself to the sun.
Raise your arms to the sky,
Time to have some fun.

Let them see,
Those headlights.
Flash them with,
Your high-beam brights.

Feel that breeze,
Through your hair.
As passers-by,
Begin to stare.

Let your top drop,
For all to see.
Show us how,
To “Let It Be.”

Take it all off,
Bare your soul.
Let the Good Times,
Rock and Roll!

It’s why you own,
A rag-top car.
So you can cruise,
Like a Hollywood star.

Or were your thoughts,
Of wild girls?
Wearing nothing,
But a string of pearls.

Topless fantasies,
Got that itch?
Lower the roof,
Hit that switch.

Get a Convertible,
Drop your top, too.
But don’t drive naked,
Whatever you do!

I’ve purposely put the explanation for this poem at the end since it was designed to portray a double meaning. I put it in my category of poems with questionable taste. Were you thinking of a car or perhaps an afternoon at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and seeing a sign that reads, “Show Us Your T**s?” Did your mind go in the gutter or did did the phrase “take your top down” immediately make you think convertible?

Obviously, my mind was on other things when I penned this little ditty. I found it in my file of unfinished projects that probably had its start years ago when I actually had some testosterone flowing through my veins. We don’t get to put the top down much here in rainy Portland on either of our convertibles, so maybe this was a project I began seven years ago when we were living in sunny Austin, Texas? I can’t wait until the next time I can take my top down!

Creature Features: Gastro Delight #1550

December 26, 2020 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Our schnauzer Tally isn’t the garbage hound that her sister Tinker used to be. There was never a crumb to be found when Tinker ruled the house. Dropped scraps of food were often gone before they ever hit the floor. Tally is polite around the dinner table and gently accepts any offerings, whereas Tinker might very well have taken your fingers off. With all our dogs through the years, “Ham Time” continues to be a tradition with a bedtime snack of honey glazed ham or healthier turkey slices. (See Post #699). Gastro Delight!

The one drawback with Tally is often her breath. She got into something outside last night that made her repulsive. It’s often hard in the dark to see what she grabs, especially while wearing a mask that makes my glasses fog up. I tried some Crest toothpaste as a desperate resort. Nevertheless, she was not allowed to sit anywhere near us. I even wore my mask indoors this morning to give her a “Tummy Attack,” (See Post #648) while avoiding that furry, foul mouth.

She can also be adorable, using her eyes to hypnotize us into giving her more attention or food. We call it pet-nosis. (See Post #1440). It makes us give her things against our better judgement. I wrote this poem a few days ago when she was in favor and not so stinky:

Gastro Delight

She nibbles on kibbles,
And packs in the snacks.
Or rolls on her back,
For tummy attacks.

Her lips make a smack,
At the thought of a treat.
And wants a sample,
Of every bite we eat.

The ears perk up,
Those eyes grow big.
She makes a few grunts,
Like a hungry pig.

But she doesn’t get up,
Just waits to be served.
Whatever you give her,
Is greatly deserved.

Then she will bug you,
To go on her stroll.
With eyes that beg,
As black as coal.

In the afternoon,
She sits on a chair.
Wanting a walk,
Again with a stare.

Once she gets home,
Walks through the door.
Kibble ball nuggets,
Roll over the floor.

They crunch under foot,
With each step we take.
Or hurt our bare toes,
While still not awake.

She’s no Hoover,
Crumbs not her thing.
She’d rather have,
The entire chicken wing.

At the dinner table,
She sits closely by.
And uses pet-nosis,
It’s hard to deny.

Patiently waiting,
For food on our plate.
Then a wag of her tail,
Tells us “It’s Great!”

A chew every morning.
“Ham Time” each night.
Our schnauzer Tally.
Is a gastro delight.

Retirement is not without Hassles: Christmas Star #1549

December 25, 2020 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

My wife’s Christmas Limoges this year is in honor of our upcoming move to Florida. It’s a miniature picnic basket with plates inside and is topped with a porcelain Starfish. It’s perfect for a romantic lunch on the beach or filled with burgers, fries, and a pup-cup for our schnauzer, Tally, from nearby Freddys. Our new home will be near Casey Key and the grandkids. Here’s wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Christmas Star

This star is not,
On the Christmas tree.
It comes this year,
From the sea.

Florida or bust,
Our move is soon.
We’ll next be singing,
A Sunny tune.

We’ll have our picnic,
Near Casey Key.
As soon as we,
Are Covid free.

A basket full,
Of tasty eats.
While Tally gets,
Some doggie treats.

We’ll fill our plates,
And raise a toast.
To our new house,
On the Gulf Coast.

Or we’ll stay home,
Enjoy the pool.
While the grandkids,
Are off at school.

White sand beaches,
Bright blue skies.
Where we can feast,
On Freddy’s fries.

We’ll travel again,
Beyond the Keys.
And in retirement,
Do as we please.

I hope you get,
Every Christmas wish.
But our star this year,
Is really a fish.

Retirement is not without Hassles: Ho-Ho-Hum #1548

December 24, 2020 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

Ho-Ho-Hum

Dinner’s to-go again,
Can’t sit in a bar.
Much too overcast,
To wish upon a star.

Can’t go to a movie,
Or even a game.
We live in isolation,
Nothing’s quite the same.

Normal is long gone,
Boredom here to stay.
Afraid of the scale,
What I might weigh?

The mask on my face,
Keeps bad breath to myself.
Only cheap toilet paper,
Left on the shelf.

Zoom is our only,
Close family time.
Since holiday gatherings,
Are considered a crime.

Home is now everything,
Office, School, and Gym.
We look to escape,
But the prospects are dim.

The stockings are hung,
With social distance in mind.
The year Twenty-Twenty
Has been so unkind.

We all hope the future,
Will be so much better.
I can’t even show-off,
My ugly Christmas sweater.

Should I dream of white,
Or for a vaccine?
Or kill all the pain,
With booze and caffeine?

Santa shouldn’t travel,
From his North Pole bubble.
Christmas next year,
Should just be double.

After hours of TV,
My butt is numb.
Life’s not jolly,
It’s Ho-Ho-Hum.

Creature Features: Dog and Frog #1511

November 15, 2020 / mikeljohnston1 / 0 Comments

This is a children’s poem based on our schnauzer, Tally, and a recent encounter with a tiny, harmless thumbnail frog. She actually bit it in half, but this would not have been an appropriate story to tell to an impressionable kid. As a result, I made up a less controversial ending. The dog and the frog are having a conversation in rhyme with the dog speaking in red.

Leap of Friendship

This is the story,
Of the dawdling dog,
Who came nose-to-nose,
With a flirtatious frog.

“I like to pause,”
And smell the roses,
And tell me this:
Do frogs have noses?”

“I got a whiff,
Of you, my friend.”
“And with that breath,
You might offend.”

“You stink good, too,
A lot like a fish.
Finding a pal,
Fulfills my wish.”

“A dog and frog,
It makes some sense.
Companionship,
Based on scents.”

“You fear my bark,
Stay out of reach.
I can’t get much closer,
I’m on a leash.”

“You’ve got no Master,
To pull your chain.”
But your croak is a joke,
And my teeth cause pain.”

“You’ve always been,
A puppy dog,
But I was once,
A polliwog.”

“And once had a tail,
Just like you.
Then out of nowhere,
These legs grew.”

“I couldn’t hop,
Once had to swim.
I’m a she,
Are you a him?”

“Well, I can shake,
And even fetch.
I also learned,
To play some catch.”

“But there’s something,
Tickling my nose.
It’s a nuisance,
I suppose.

“I can quickly,
Snatch that fly.
My tongue is quick,
So Say goodbye.”

“You can run fast,
Since you’re a dog.
But you can’t out-swim,
Or out-leap a frog.”

“I’m amphibious,
While you’re grounded.
Why you’re attracted,
Leaves me astounded.”

“Frogs are cool,
Despite no hair.
Your eyes bug out,
When you stare.”

Do you have lips?
Or should we just shake?
Then you can leap,
Back in the lake.

“Though we’re different,
We’ll still be friends.
Happily-ever-after,
This story Ends.

Spam

I’d be lonely,If it weren’t for Spam.People who think,I give a damn.

No one would write,Or even call.It seems these days,No one cares at all.

When the phone rings,It’s Medicare.Or Life Insurance,So please beware.

Extend your warranty,Buy a discount card.Another unwanted call,Always be on guard.

Blocking them all,Just won’t matter.With endless lines,To spread their chatter.

Annoying offers,They’ll never end.They’ve got your number,Or e-mail to send.

You’ll unsubscribe,Until you’re blue. Or text STOP,Delete them, too.

But they’ll be back,To bug you more. They might even knock, On your front door.

With everyone blocked.All my calls are spam.If you need to reach me,Send a Telegram.

Backyard Dreams

There are Palm Trees,On our Venice lot.Providing shade,When it is hot.

A hammock swing,Might be right.For lazy days,Soon in sight.

Our Florida home,Is nearly done.Where we’ll enjoy,The setting sun.

A gentle sway,Will aid your nap.While hiding under,A baseball cap.

But unlike being,Safe in bed.Keep a lookout,Watch your head.

While you relax,And search the sky.A coconut bomb,Just might fly.

And down below,The gators crawl.So hang on tight,Don’t slip and fall.

Plus, don’t go out,In a hurricane.That might prove,To be insane.

The pool’s inside,No worries there.Enjoy the water,Without a care.

Backyard dreams,My Valentine.I’m sure glad,That you are mine.

Twenty-two years,Of being in love.But the first you’ll own,Palm Trees above.

Eight Fate

At an Eddy’s table,On February Eight.We came together,As was our fate.

We celebrated this,Twenty-two times.With little gifts,And silly rhymes.

With Valentines,Just a week away.We’ve created another,Heart throb day.

Doubling down,With Cupid’s aid.Hoping our love,Will never fade.

Today marks,Our “Eddiversary,”A special kind,Of Anniversary.

In these times,When hugs are rare.We’re grateful forThe love we share.

Diamonds or pearls,Not this year.Where we travel,Isn’t yet clear.

But, a custom home,In the Sunshine state.We’ll soon have,A move-in date.

The beach nearby,A backyard pool.Grandkid fun,When not in school.

Our retirement life,Has just begun.The best yet to come,Twenty-Twenty-One.

Marriott Millionaire

I’m a Marriott Millionaire,With points to burn.Always anxious to find,Creative ways to earn.

Mother Marriott,Is my second home.Provides a bed or beach,Even a misplaced comb.

I can check-in on my phone.Platinum service at any hour.Special upgrades to a suite,It’s like a Superpower.

Travel almost anywhere,From Bali to Orlando.Dine in my pajamas,Or use credits for a show.

I’m a Vacation Club owner,With condos worldwide.There’s few places I can’t go,When Mother’s at my side.

As a Bonvoy card holder,More rewards go in my bank.With everything I buy,I have J.W. to thank.

I rarely use my wallet,They know me everywhere.From Maui to Bangkok,I haven’t got a care.

I might be in the pool,Or sunning on the beach.A sandwich or a cocktail,Is never out of reach.

My wife is almost jealous,And sadly would agree.She says, “you love your points,More than you love me!”