I have a twisted mind, so toilet humor is right up my alley. When you take the dogs out five times a day and go through roll after roll of “doggy bags,” you have to chuckle. Our schnauzer Tinker is “the poopingest dog on the planet,” with absolutely no modesty filter. On the other hand, our younger schnauzer Tally will only hide in the bushes or the ground cover to do her business. I like to laugh at a good poop joke, so movies and TV shows like American Pie, South Park, and Beavis & Butthead appeal to my juvenile tastes. I wrote this shi**y ditty to reflect my silly mood today, and will file it under “poems of questionable bad taste:”
Poop
Poop is a “dirty,”
Four-letter word.
But not as offensive,
As calling it “a turd.”
Privacy is crucial,
We’re a proud species.
We’re modest beings,
And ashamed of feces.
If we’re under stress,
The anus shrinks.
And we can’t help it,
If it stinks.
Was that last crack,
The butt of the joke?
What would we do,
If the toilet’s broke?
Holy Crap!
Now Pass the TP.
And when you wipe,
Charmin is the key.
Was Caddyshack,
Funny or uncouth?
Was that a floater,
Or a Baby Ruth?
If you experience,
Unexpected defecation.
There’s no such thing
As a good explanation.
Please be thoughtful,
Post-excrement.
Remember to give it.
A Fabreze treatment.
We are early-schooled,
That it’s not very cool.
To loudly belch & fart,
Or talk about your stool.
Keep it in your pants,
Don’t stick out your tongue.
Never cuss and swear,
And stay away from dung.
Like Road apples,
Or cow pies.
Mucking stalls,
And Pig styes.
Honey Bucket,
While on the go.
Fertilizer,
Helps things grow.
Bird droppings,
Manure pit.
Compost pile,
Makes good sh*t.
It’s bound to happen,
Since you’re a consumer.
But there’s nothing funny,
About toilet humor.
Sometimes we call it,
“Number Two.”
From where that derives?
No one has a clue.
Clean up after pets,
Don’t leave it “behind.”
It’s stinky, smelly stuff,
Someone’s shoe will find.
A surprise ending,
As you go to scoop.
Pups can leave a brick,
Or sometimes soup.
What goes in,
Most comes out.
That’s what bowels,
Are all about.
With sudden urge,
Find a filling-station.
Do your business,
And hope for ventilation.
When it comes out,
Keep it hush.
Don’t say a word,
Just Flush.
Squirts or runs?
“Montezuma’s Revenge?”
Don’t make a mess,
Depends are your friends.
Or if constipation,
Makes you unfit,
Try a laxative,
And Give a sh*t.
copyright 2018 johnstonwrites.com
Well, this is your proudest moment.