Step in and out of trouble.  Step it up.  Step off the deep end.  Step up to the plate.  “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”   Step outside.  Step on a crack and you’ll break your mother’s back.  But most importantly, watch your step and be careful what you step in.

When you’re in unfamiliar territory, step softly.  We should have paid more attention to our dog, but typically you’re trying to avoid stepping in what a dog leaves behind.  She is having trouble adjusting to the Texas grass.  It’s apparently not as soft and subtle as the grass up North where she lived as a puppy.  She walks on it gingerly, hopping from bare spot to bare spot, as if it hurts her feet.  And when the grass is wet forget it.  She would rather hold it in until it makes her sick.  She skirts the edges, prances with her paws up as high as possible, and acts like she’s walking on a bed of hot coals.  When she finally finishes circling and squats to do her business, she has that look of disgust that comes with just having used the cheap toilet paper in an airport stall.

It was the same look that my wife had the other night after stepping on something unpleasant.  After finishing a romantic dinner on the patio of the Four Seasons, we were then invited to make our own smores.  I, of course, was like a little kid on a campout, roasting marshmallows and enjoying the flight of the bats and the lake view.   There is nothing better than a sizzling marshmallow nestled between two graham crackers and half a Hershey’s chocolate bar.  It was dark when we finished, and it wasn’t until my wife’s shoe stuck to the sidewalk and she developed a noticeable limp that I realized that something was wrong.   With the help of a napkin and a knife we were able to scrape the marshmallow off the bottom of her Jimmy Choos.  Or should I say Gooey Choos.  Her hopping around reminded me of the dog on the grass, and I could laugh only because I never dropped one of my marshmallows.

The very next day, we walked to breakfast at the Magnolia Café.  The Jimmy Choos were secure in the closet and she was wearing the opposite extreme in footwear, a pair of cheap rubber thongs.   She had noticed some discomfort on the walk there, and as we were leaving the restaurant she began to limp slightly.  I was beginning to think that there was some correlation between dining and limping, when she instinctively pulled off her sandal.   I then helped her remove a screw that had penetrated through the rubber sole and into her heel.  Ouch.   Before I even had a chance to make a crude joke about her encounter, I slipped in a patch of mud on the sidewalk and nearly fell.  Fortunately, for the sake of my mother’s back, I righted myself before I stepped on the crack.   In cleaning the sticky mud off the bottom of my sandal, I too discovered that a screw had embedded itself in my sole.  We had both been screwed.

Our dog enjoyed her Magnolia breakfast and watched me clean off my sandals.  She had a grin on her face, probably thinking I had stepped in the obvious.  It certainly looked like I did.  Along the route, she had avoided the grass wherever possible, only tolerating the sharp, coarse blades of Bermudagrass in emergency situations.  We always carry poop bags with us and are conscientious about picking up after our pooch.  However, others aren’t as thoughtful and many lawns are like a minefield.   So, be careful out there.  Watch out for screws and marshmallows or don’t take any shit!