Go Ahead.  Pick a seat.  Any seat.  “We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge,” the commercials often boast.  At some events, the people around you never sit down, so what benefit does a seat really offer? If the guy in front of you is so big that he blocks your view, or if her hair-style is so tall or wide that you can’t see around it, should you get a refund?  What if the guy behind you accidentally spits a mouthful of wine on you as he laughs out-loud?  Or the woman in front of you throws up ?  I’ve even had a young lady sit in front of me holding a bouquet of balloons, and several instances of umbrella interference.

A seat is only as good as those sitting around you, and all of these annoying incidents have happened to me through the years.  I’ve experienced off-key sing-alongs in my ear, embarrassing foul language, smoke, annoying chatter, spilled beer, errant mustard, bad breath, body odor, blocked vision, and finding others in my seats.  Maybe, I’ve even been a bad neighbor, standing at an inappropriate time, being late to my seats, or just being for the wrong team.  You can pick your friends, you can pick your seat, but you can’t always pick your seat-mates.

You may go to the concert excited about your seats.  I’ve learned to couch my enthusiasm. Before you ever find your seats, you have to find a parking spot.  It’s the first irritant that typically shapes your event experience.  A parking pass is a luxury, but often times they oversell them relative to the number of spaces they have available,  Finally, you find a seat for your car.  Next, you fight the mob and security to get access to your seat, or you stand in line to buy a seat.  Home seat home – you finally get settled in.  Then, it’s up and down to accommodate late, hungry, or bathroom-bound neighbors.  If you’re lucky, you’ll “take a seat and make a friend,” or, on the other hand, spend your eagerly anticipated evening making an enemy.

I’ve put a lot of thought into what makes for a Good Seat, and what goes wrong to make it a Bad Seat.  Often times, it’s not the location or the proximity to the action.  It all comes down to who’s in the neighborhood, coupled with the mood you’re in once you’ve battled the crowds.  The older you get and the more events that you’ve attended, the more likely you will stay home and watch it on T.V. or just claim that you were there.  What’s in a seat?

A seat can be a stool, couch, chair, bench or pew.  A Bench Seat could apply to where a player has a seat when they’re not playing, or be a seat that features a continuous pad running the full width of the cabin, as in a pick-up truck, for example.  If there’s a center console or a stick shift, there may be Bucket Seats instead.  A pew is a Hard Seat, as opposed to a couch with a Soft Seat.  There can also be the seat that is part of a chair.  Or, you can make a seat out of something else like a curb, a step, or a box.  That seat may not, however, have the same comfort as a Box Seat, and you may need to get out of the way of a car that pulls up or a pedestrian that needs to use the stairs.

Picking the right seat is not always easy.  preassigned seating takes the pressure off, but doesn’t give you a choice of where or who to sit next to. This probably dates back to the classroom with the teacher saying, “please find a seat,” or the more demanding “take a seat.”   Should I sit up front and act like I care, or sit in the back and give the perception that I don’t?” Today’s modern ticketing systems take some of the hassle out of finding a seat, but as a result ticket prices have gone up and resale brokers have flourished.

Sometimes the seat you pick can make a big difference.  Particularly on an airplane.  If you take the Left Seat in the cockpit, you better be prepared to fly the plane.  The Right Seat is for the co-pilot.  There can also be an Ejection Seat, so if you sit there don’t push any buttons. There are usually Drop Seats for the crew that are used during take-off and landing,  You also typically have your choice of an Aisle or Window Seat, if you’re not stuck in a Middle Seat. The Exit Row and Bulkhead seats will give you a little extra space, and you definitely don’t want a seat in the last row, or be too close to the restrooms.

Trains are a little less complicated, as are buses.  In both cases you still have Aisle Seats and Window Seats, but rarely a Middle Seat.  You might even leave your seat for a seat in the bar car or the observation deck if you’re riding the rails.  You may not even have an Assigned Seat, depending on how much you paid.  This is especially true if you have a seat on the Subway or Metro, and stay out of the Handicapped Seats unless you’re unfortunate enough to be regularly seated in a wheel chair.  And, please save a seat for Senior Citizens like myself.

As you travel to your next event, you may prefer the Driver’s Seat over the Passenger’s Seat, and want to avoid being or having a Back Seat Driver.   There can also be Folding Seats, designed to save space in the back of a SUV.  Never be in a Folding Seat when it’s being folded away!  You also don’t ever want to be on the Hot Seat, but a Heated Seat can be comforting on a cold day; nor do you want a car that’s not running properly because it needs a Piston Seat.  Small Children have to be in a Car Seat, but be careful if you’re riding with James Bond; he may have had an Ejection Seat installed.  An antique car may also have a Rumble Seat – let’s get ready to Rumble, but not from the Front Row please!  And always wear your Seat Belt.

A Front-Row seat can be special at most entertainment events other than auto racing, 3-D movies, or a Gallagher concert.  I was once excited to have a Front Row seat at a Heavyweight Boxing match.  Instead, it was bloody and gruesome.  In hockey, a front-row seat is usually protected by glass.  Baseball has followed this precaution, installing safety netting to protect the fans from nasty projectiles.   You won’t have a Dugout Seat unless you’re on the team, but you could buy a Bleacher Seat, Box Seat, or even a Lawn Seat at some stadiums.  Those in the bleachers may wish to purchase a Seat Back for a little more comfort. If you happen to be an athlete, the last seat you want is a Seat on the Bench.  Some fans decide to go without a seat, settling instead for a standing room only ticket, hoping eventually that they can steal an Empty Seat  If you really want to save money, purchase a Nose-Bleed Seat or Restricted View Seat.  Or, you simply may want to watch it on television from your seat on a bar stool.  Bartender, give me a double – Seat on Seat.

Most concert and sporting event venues offer VIP Seats.  These could be a Sideline Seat, Cushioned Seat, Lounge Seat, Suite Seat, or other Special Seat.  They can be pricey, but ideal for corporate entertaining or impressing a date.   Luxury seats make you feel rich and important and can be the envy of your friends that are in the Cheap Seats or don’t have a seat at all.   Being a backstage guest at a concert is a unique experience and usually involves a pass not a ticket.  There are likely not even seats for you back there, as is the case for the pits, infields, and locker rooms that other fans also may never get to visit.

There’s a seat for everyone when you include Bicycle Seats, Saddle Seats, and Sliding Seats, although they are not very comfortable.  They are, however, useful for peddling, horseback riding, and rowing.  Seat can also apply to your posture while guiding a horse.  It’s more than just a seat on a saddle.  Others might enjoy a Side-Car Seat, as a motorcycle or race car passenger, but the only time they look at any man’s Trouser Seat is when when he’s having some pants fitted.

In the world of finance and politics, there are seats that need to be earned like Congressional Seats, Senate Seats, Parliamentary Seats, Exchange Seats, and Board of Trade Seats.  You’re not supposed to get one of these seats “by the Seat of Your Pants,” but there are exceptions. Then, there’s the County Seat that really isn’t a seat at all.  But the best seat of all is a seat on the Throne.

So get off your seat, or buttocks, and use your brain; it’s your Seat of Learning.  Pick your next seat, but be careful since there are unfortunately many instances of forgery.  You could pick a seat that somebody else wants, and when they ask for your ticket at the door, it’s no longer in your possession.  Similarly, they could scan the digital code on your ticket and find that it’s a fake – you might be left on the outside picking your nose.

 

 

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