There is not a more helpless feeling than finding out that an old friend died – nine months ago. I got a note from a college fraternity brother that my roommate Jack passed away in October. He saw the notification in our college magazine that apparently I’m not receiving anymore. The sad thing is that I only saw him once since college and didn’t recognize his picture in the obituary. He was a thin, well-endowed, impeccably groomed, fashionable, handsome man with more brains and confidence than brawn, so he was not part of the intramural athletic teams that I participated in regularly. We were like the “Odd Couple” – he was very neat and tidy while I was a slob. He was into debate and writing, while I would barely study. I remember a paper he wrote titled “The Rape of the Virgin Islands.” It was a sign of the creative writing skills that eventually became a gem in his career. I’m surprised that we got along as roommates – or maybe we didn’t?

Before we got involved in the fraternity, we were Freshman neighbors in the dorm. He used an electric toothbrush because it was less disruptive of his morning hangovers. We would have late night talks in the hallway about anything and everything. We went to each other’s homes and double-dated on several occasions. He was much more of a ladies man than shy me, but truth be told he had no interest in women. I was too naive at the time to really understand, and it wasn’t until three years later that I discovered the true meaning of “gay.” I had an awkward encounter with my male boss in a hotel room, but even then it didn’t click. It was when I saw him on the news as part of a gay rights protest that it all came together – this guy and Jack. 

I was only Jack’s roommate for one semester at the frat house, before I left to attend Indiana University. I smoked pot with him for the first time in my life at a professor’s apartment, puffed on a Meerschaum tobacco pipe until I turned green, pledged the Sigma Chi Fraternity together, drank Sloe Gin out of the bottle, and recklessly experimented with some hallucinogenics while listening to The Moody Blues. I will also always associate him with Peter, Paul, and Mary’s Leaving on a Jet Plane that he played repeatedly on his stereo. He spoke fondly of his hometown honey Johanna, who I never met, and his best friend Bill, who was quarterback, Homecoming King, and an obvious idle. In retrospect, these were probably hints of his sexual orientation. I just hope with all my heart he wasn’t lonely. 

Jack and I went our separate ways, but maybe ten years after college I looked him up in Washington, D.C. where he was involved in politics. He seemed very evasive towards getting back together, and it appeared as if he was hiding something. As I look back, I honestly feel that he was trying to protect his secret from interfering with his career. It would not have made a difference to me. At the same time, he was always kind of obnoxious and conceited, raised by a Doctor and part of his hometown Country Club set. He also liked to talk about himself and I apparently was a good listener. His career success dominated our conversation, and I left with a sense of distaste for his attitude. We never got back together again after that evening, as he never initiated any effort to stay in touch. Now, he’s dead and has been for 9 months without any acknowledgement on my part.

I read his obituary, as if he had written it himself. It was very well-crafted, with bits of humor that he was known for in his speech writing days. It had no mention of a personal relationship of any kind, with excessive emphasis on his career success. It was much like our last conversation. I felt sorry for him that he was apparently never able to “come out of the closet,” if I’m indeed correct about my suspicions. For him, there was no room for “flaws” in his appearance, thinking back to his constant preening in the mirror. I still enjoyed his companionship and relish the good times we had, but I have the feeling I never knew the real Jack, and now I never will. Rest in Peace, my friend. In Hoc!