I did not get up in the middle of the night to watch the Royal Wedding. I did however watch the Royals beat the Yankees 5-2 last night, and may try to catch some of the Triple Crown. Many of us “bloody yanks” flocked to the U.K. to enjoy the festivities associated with this historic exchange of royal vows. Perhaps some of us were lucky enough to get on the British Airways flight manned by Harrys and Meghans. To others, it is nothing more than a “Royal Pain,” especially those dealing with London traffic these past few weeks. The television networks are all over it and you can’t miss the headlines and feature stories all over the world. Even The Topps Company is issuing commemorative collector cards to honor the occasion that can be displayed right next to your Mickey Mantle, Star Wars, and Pokemon treasures. 

To me, it’s a bit much, especially considering that it’s estimated to cost 42.8 million, with 94% invested in security. That much money could certainly solve a lot of problems in “Third World” countries. It’s hard to believe that two people can draw that much attention, but Fairy Tales do sometimes come true. The whole Royal hullabaloo is difficult for me to understand, just as others might feel that baseball is a silly waste of time. When I think of Kings, it’s the hockey team in Sacramento, and by the same token, my Queen will always be Freddie Mercury. Prince was not happy with his royal name so he changed it to a symbol. The Royal family, and English people in general, can be viewed as self-important and snobbish. This perceived attitude of superiority at one time inspired a revolution. 

My fondest royal memory while visiting Windsor Castle was that there was a Burger King near the grounds and they were handing out paper crowns. I had no interest in the royal china, royal tiara, royal gowns, royal carriage, royal pageantry, or even the royal urinal. I do know that Crown Royal comes in a purple felt-like bag, and it’s much higher quality than anything served in a paper bag. Crown was also a high-end amplifier made in my home town. Likewise, The Crown is a TV series, a place in Portland for expensive pizza, an English coin, a 1905 automobile, a Swedish death/thrash band, and a song by Jay-Z. At one time, a Crown Victoria was a luxury car and not a pimp-mobile. 

Price Harry apparently proposed to Meghan over a roast chicken, so Burger King has introduced a new chicken burger in honor of the royal couple’s wedding. KFC also felt the need to get on the royal action by giving away buckets of chicken. Dunkin’ Donuts, for no apparent reason, is now offering Royal Love donuts. Meghan apparently avoided all these temptations and fit nicely in her Givenchy designed gown valued by stylists at about $500,000. Now that’s a lot of donuts! 

I will never be a blue blood, choke on a silver spoon, or sit for afternoon tea. The only crown I’ll ever wear will be from the dentist’s office. At least, it’s not a “crown of thorns” or a crowning blow.  Lorde probably says it best in her hit song, Royals:

“And we’ll never be royals
It don’t run in our blood
That kind of lux just ain’t for us
We crave a different kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen B
And baby I’ll rule (I’ll rule I’ll rule I’ll rule)
Let me live that fantasy”

If you’re not royalty like most of us, the best you can do is The Ritz Carlton. They are offering the Royal Escape Stay Package for their Royal and Diplomatic Suites and transfers by Rolls-Royce. If you can’t afford that, I would suggest Las Vegas and the Excalibur, castle-like hotel, where they repeatedly greet you with, “Have a Royal Day!” For a little extra, they may even throw in a Crown Vic. 

“Have a Royal Day!”