Category: CREATURE FEATURES (Page 19 of 37)
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! (Plus dogs and cats)
It’s just another sunny day in the glorious world of retirement. For those still working for a living, it’s also Sunday. My wife is getting ready for a business trip to Los Angeles while I gladly stay home to watch the dogs. They see Sunday as FunDay, anticipating their weekend Schnauzerthons. My wife leads feisty Tally on a leash while I run with old lady Tinker pushing her stroller. As we make our way through the neighborhood park, we’ll occasionally exchange dogs in a carefully synchronized spin around the pond. There’s even a designated poop stop, having learned our lesson about giving Tinker a timely break. She is, after all, “The Poopingest Pup on The Planet,” and the fast buggy ride seems to relax her a bit too much. Just like a toddler, we now always carry Wet Wipes just in case. Once I complete my just over three-mile daily running goal, I let her out for the short walk home. Today was RunDay number 3.864, as “The Streak” continues.
Tinker was really gimpy today as she waddled along by herself. Her regular outings are very short any more and often she doesn’t even make it down the driveway before she poops. A few steps later she’ll relieve her bladder in the neighbor’s grass and immediately head home. It’s almost like clockwork. She’ll then wait in the shade of the garage until Tally finishes her business, and will bark if it takes too long. Last night, we had dinner guests and she was very impatient. The neighborhood was so peaceful and quiet except for her demanding bark. It was the most outspoken I’ve ever seen her, so she must have thought that with guests at the table, she’d get more food if she was loud enough. As we well know, input equals output, so extra baggies were needed today.
One of my favorite SunDay morning rituals is listening to Sunday Morning Brunch on KINK radio. Although it’s a subtle reminder that I used to work there, it was a mellow way to start today. It helped me get through a sluggish hangover from too much wine and too many barks last night. I won’t be outdone by the neighbors when I set out my glass bottles for recycling tomorrow. It will look like a job well done, after another of my wife’s successful dinner parties. It may be one of our last at this home once we put it on the market in a few weeks. Who knows where we will be living next? I’m sure the neighbors won’t miss “Old Lady Bark” or the brown spots in their yard.
I’ll be on my own for a couple of days, so baseball, beer and fried chicken with a friend is planned. Tinker will have no one to bark at but Tally, as she quietly dreams of the next Schnauzerthon. I just hope that the Cubs can get their sh*t together after blowing a couple of key games this past week. I’m sure my Cardinal friends are thrilled. They are only “my Cubs” when they’re winning and the Brewers are taking advantage of weak relief work with back-to-back-comebacks. It won’t be FunDay unless they can win in Milwaukee today. Also, the fried chicken won’t taste good unless they can beat the Cardinals. If not, you’ll get tired of hearing my bark!
There are several different titles for fathers:
The Father
Holy Father
Biological Father
Grandfather
Godfather
Step-Father
Father-Figure
Pledge Father
Expectant Father
Presumed Father
Father Time
How a father ranks on this list varies with the person and the relationship. A step-father, like myself, is always trying to figure out how you fit into your wife’s daughter’s life. As both of my step-daughters prepare for weddings in the next two months, they are pressured by endless opinions from friends and family as to the type of wedding they should plan. Where should it be? Who should be involved? Who should pay for what? It makes any sane couple want to elope. As the brides-to-be shared their frustrations of how to please everyone, I felt that I should add my two-cents-worth.
Here’s what I came up with (in my typical tongue-in-cheek manner):
Step-Suggestions
It’s your wedding (maybe your fiance’s too?).
The “Honeymoon” should never end whether you’re at a resort or simply at home.
Life is much simpler with one child or less.
Buying a home is an over-rated dream.
You’ve been fortunate finding joint jobs and selling property so you can move forward. It’s a sign of marital fortune. It doesn’t work out for everyone. I have the home scars to prove it. (See next suggestion).
Love conquers all – remember that in times of trouble.
You’ve seen more of the world already than most of us with the except of one cousin. (See next suggestion.)
Travel together frequently – continue to make treasured memories. There’s nothing more valuable.
Root for the home team -except maybe the Warriors. It’s Peanuts Woodstock bobble-head night at AT&T Park during your reception, so all your guests are missing out. (See next suggestion)
Have a bobble-head created for the two of you. Nodding heads when you say, “I Do.”
Although you enjoy board games, your marriage should not be a “game” of chance (See next suggestion).
Have board games at the reception for those who don’t dance.
If the earth moves on your wedding night – it might be an earthquake.
Turn your phone off on the wedding day, avoiding any last minute critique that will certainly be offered.
Those that will criticize or be judgmental of any of your decisions you can count on one hand – and they don’t count. (See next suggestion)
Free booze will limit any unwanted criticism.
Take pride in knowing you have two step parents and not more.
If you can live in Decatur – you can accomplish anything.
BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) is your new best friend.
Tinker, our oldest schnauzer, would gladly be a maid of honor if you had invited her – probably an oversight.
Just because you’re now a “California Girl” don’t act like one.
The Presidio site of the wedding has been a fortified location since 1776. Your union is part of history – your love for each other should never be.
Don’t listen to any of these suggestions. Make the day your own.
We’re getting ready to board the ferry into Canada to see how they celebrate the Fourth of July. With holiday traffic and a tanker spill it took about 6 hours to get to Port Angeles, Washington. Our old lady schnauzer Tinker and her sister Tally will soon be International travelers. It’s about a 90 minute boat ride to Victoria, British Columbia and our Marriott Inner-Harbor home for the night. I like the fact that they’ll be doing the driving and my car gets a rest. I just hope it floats.
It’s like the beginning of the Indy 500 with cars on all sides of us, waiting for the “Gentlemen and Ladies start your engines” signal and the flag to finally drop. We’re in the 7th row of the grid, with a Kia Optima just in front of us. The skies are cloudy and the harbor a bit choppy, as our pups wait patiently in their back seat beds. It required a lot of planning and patience to organize this adventure that will include a second ferry tomorrow night into Vancouver – The Big Couve. Passports and rabies paperwork are in order for the four of us to pass through customs. Tomorrow we’ll visit Butchart Gardens, a bucket-list destination for my wife after doing a picture puzzle of the popular attraction at the impressionable age of 10. She’s wanted to go there ever since.
After 24 hours in Canada we haven’t heard one firecracker and rarely even a horn. In Portland horns are a bad habit, so I’m glad for the quiet, more polite, surroundings. It’s no wonder other countries view Americans as ugly and obnoxious. I ran only the minimum mile this morning knowing that we would spend four or five hours on our feet exploring the garden paths. Tinker was a spectacle riding in her Air Buggy. I had arranged for a later ferry in case my wife wanted to stay long longer, instead we caught a mid-afternoon ride into Vancouver and got settled at the downtown Residence Inn before dinner. It was a blue-sky day on the water. The only draw-back is that we had to sit below deck in the car with the dogs. This was not the case on last night’s ferry. The dogs were too tired to care.
I’m proud to say that with the dogs along, our daily spending levels have been pleasantly reduced. Meals are primarily limited to fast food, take-out, snack bars, pizza, and hot dog stands. We will, however, do the pricy Outstanding In The Field dinner that we purchased four months ago, but there will be no pet sitting costs, airfare, or luxury hotels. I’ll use Marriott Rewards points for three of our four nights lodging that will include free breakfast. Gift shopping will be limited to knick-knacks. Gas will be under $125, Ferries $125, Hotel $500, Food $1000, and Gifts $500. In total, an average spend of about $500/day, half of our typical $1000/day travel outlay.
The Marriott Vacation Club costs us about $85/day whether we use it or not, with maintenance and mortgage financing. After ten years when the debt is paid off, it will drop to approximately $22/day for upkeep. It gives us about 50 paid nights a year at the finest resorts anywhere in the world to use ourselves or share with family members. Our MVC investment also provides at least an additional 10 free nights annually at Marriott and partner hotels like the ones we’re staying at in Canada this week. We’ll use it for San Francisco overnights during the next few months, as my wife helps her youngest daughter plan an upcoming wedding & honeymoon. Her other daughter is marrying the following month, so their Maui honeymoon will also be on us thanks to Marriott – my home away from home.
We’re half-way through our Canadian visit. My wife was thrilled to find the exact spot where her picture puzzle was photographed, even despite the 50+ years that have passed since she put it together as a child. Tomorrow is a free day in Vancouver with nothing as yet planned. Tinker is snoring away as I write this and Tally is quietly zonked out in “good bed.” I hope to join them soon – the stress of travel tires an old man like me out. Happy Fourth!
Wine tasting in Oregon is just another justifiable excuse for “day drinking.” (See Post #964). My wife has made plans today for us to pick up our membership shipment of wine from Bergstrom followed by a private tasting appointment at Beaux Freres, The dogs will ride along, as hopefully we can find a shady table outdoors for them to join us. Otherwise, they will wait patiently in the car. Both of them should be exhausted after our morning “Schnauzerton,” about 4 miles of running and walking, while exchanging turns with Tinker’s dog stroller. She’s 15+ years old and stumbles quite a bit when she walks. It reminds me of watching my mother-in-law’s health slowly deteriorate and humbles me to realize that I’m not far behind. My back continues to bother me and it probably doesn’t help pushing Tinker in the stroller while I run on weekends. However, nothing will stop me from continuing my consecutive streak of now 3,829 days (10.48 years).
We went to see Disney’s Alladin movie last night. My wife preferred the Broadway productions that we have gone to see, but I enjoyed the humor that Will Smith brought to the genie’s role. I could see in my mind the next Disney park ride with an adventure into a cave full of treasures and a ride on a magic carpet. I love the fact that Disney always brings out the child in me. However, as I looked around at my age peers, I wondered if they saw themselves as young like me in the mirror or if I was just in denial. It’s difficult to realize that some of them are my age or older. Do I really look like all those other grandfathers?
My son, his wife, and their 3 kids spent last week at Walt Disney World. I’ve been there multiple times and never tire of it, so I was envious to not be part of it. I haven’t been to Disneyland nearly as often, but my wife and I were just there last year (See Post #757). My son lives near Orlando and has bought annual passes for the last 5 years. It’s been an important part of their lives, as passed down by my enthusiasm. With a new baby this year, they are having to cut back, and so last week’s trip was their last for awhile, as they let their passes expire. Hopefully, my wife and I can get down there and take them, but it’s so expensive to pay for 7 admissions, food, and lodging. I’m the classic Disney grandpa, although I’m not in a position to continue supplementing their annual pass costs. It will probably be good for them to seek other options for entertainment until their youngest can fully appreciate the Disney experience. In the meantime, Grandpa will selfishly sneak off to Disneyland without them.
Most of us are familiar with the saying, “you can’t cry over spilled milk.” It simply means to avoid expressing regret over something that has already happened. The first historical reference to the phrase appears in a document written by British historian James Howell in 1659. However, what happens if it’s a spilled martini? – there has to be some regret. Doesn’t there? It happened to me last night at dinner, as my server suddenly stumbled while delivering my XXX martini (eXtra dirty, eXtra dry, eXtra olives). James Bond liked his “shaken not stirred” but never spilled. Admittedly, it’s usually me that spills things because of my shaky hands, so as the cold liquid hit my lap I was caught completely off-guard. It was only about a third of the glass that emptied, so he apologized but failed to offer it as complimentary. I did not get mad (or cry afoul) but I was definitely. Sometime shortly after he offered a dry napkin, but no suggestion of free dessert. There I sat with wet jeans and a reduced amount of alcohol, waiting for my meal. I suppose that if I had made a bigger fuss, I would have been compensated in some way through a visit from his manager. There was no harm done since vodka doesn’t stain, so I let it go. I didn’t even dock his tip once my second martini arrived without incident. To quote another familiar saying, “let bygones be bygones.” Well maybe not…here I am writing about it.
Yesterday started and ended with a table by the Wilamette (Damnit) River. I met a long lost acquaintance for breakfast at the Kimpton Riverplace and had dinner with my wife at McCormick’s and Schmick’s, where I didn’t cry over my spilled martini. With Buffalo Wild Wings in between, it was a step-up from my normal routine of watching Treme, the College World Series, or some other television event, and eating a can of soup. Speaking of the HBO show, Treme, I’m now in the 3rd season. When my martini spilled last night, I’ll I could think of was the former New Orleans chef who threw a Sazerac cocktail in the face of a New York food critic after he dissed French Quarter cuisine in the midst of the Katrina after-mass. She thought it was a cheap shot at her fellow restaurateurs who were struggling to keep their heads above water. Her spill was intentional while mine was accidental – I think.
My wife and I finished the 2nd season of the intense Hulu series, The Handmaid’s Tale, last night after my lap martini. She was glad to get a tough week of work out of the way, but enjoyed taking our younger schnauzer Tally to the office. “Texas Tally,” as she was referred to in the news segment she was part of, was exhausted when she finally got home. The sad thing was that her older sister Tinker probably never realized she was gone for the day. We sneaked Tally out of the house in the morning by distracting Tinker, and when Tally returned Tinker was out cold in my office. It was a far cry from the old days when Tinker would bark and tear things up when she was left alone. Poor Tinker only gets up now when I head to the refrigerator or when I drag her outside. Food is what she lives for in her fragile old age. I did push her around the neighborhood this morning in her stroller, as my wife and I exchanged turns with each dog during our traditional weekend “Schnauzerthon” relay. With that task now out of the way, I’m ready for a martini!
It’s my wife’s birthday, as it gets tougher every year to shower her with meaningful, creative gifts. I’ve also had to reduce the budget a bit in retirement, so expensive jewelry is no longer a staple. She did need some rings resized and a few small stones replaced, including an opal to fill an empty setting. I tucked these inside one of two hinged Limoges Boxes that I’m giving her this year. It’s a porcelain birthday cake (no calories) with three balloons as an extension. It pairs nicely with a similarly designed cake box with a balloon cluster that I gave her 11 years ago. The second box that she unwrapped today, is a hand-painted postcard from Bora Bora, the sight of her 60th celebration. She puts all of her Birthday boxes together in a display every year to remind me that the day is coming soon.
Typically, her birthday is more than just a day long, as she’s the master of stretching almost every occasion. Cards and gifts have been trickling in all week from friends and family. Her Birthday is always the biggest event of the year, but may be upstaged with two weddings in the next few months. My other gifts this year included a Hanro nightgown and Angel Delicious Hand Cream. These are two of her favorite things. We’ll dine with her daughter and her fiance, along with our meat-loving pups at Podnah’s BBQ. Our schnauzer Tinker developed a special fondness for brisket when we would take her to Rudy’s in Austin. She still gets excited when I stretch out the name RUUUUUDYS, as I often used to tease her in anticipation. Since she can smell much better than she can see these days, we’re hoping that she thinks it’s a return visit to the Texas capital.
We also had a fancier dinner at Coquine on Saturday night with friends, and will go out again tomorrow night, to satisfy my wife’s “fondness for fine food.” I will cook on Birthday Eve, as my retirement promise to prepare dinner once a week continues without fail. I’m just glad she’s back from her business trip in Phoenix. Soon, we’ll be flying to San Francisco to wrap-up some plans for her youngest’s wedding. My wife and I are baffled by Miranda’s comment that her mother wasn’t being helpful in the overall planning, even though she suggested the reception site, did extensive ring shopping, paid for her wedding dress, and generously assisted with the costs of everything, along with her ex-husband. Older Sister Megan’s far more conservative wedding is here in Portland, so maybe she feels like her mom is doing more for that affair? It’s clearly competitive. I’m just trying to stay out of it, but had to get in a little playful jab in my annual poem.
Years ago, I got a legal copyright on the phrase, “Just Turned 21 For the Third Time,” thinking that there was no better way to celebrate a 63rd Birthday. Otherwise, it tends to be uneventful. As a result, I had several hundred buttons printed to give to friends on their special day. I included one for her hidden inside the Bora Bora Limoges Box that she unwrapped, along with this poem:
Twenty-One Times Three
Just Turned 21,
For the 3rd time.
So I’ve written,
This birthday rhyme.
I was not around,
For the first two.
But today,
I’m here for you.
Cake without calories,
In box number one.
The gush of gifts,
Has just begun.
Balloons attached,
Make it unique.
Like all your parties,
It will last a week.
Resized rings,
Now opal-icious.
Garnets affixed,
Angel’s delicious.
Hanro nighty,
Podnah’s BBQ.
Just like Rudy’s
The pups go too!
What’s inside,
Box number two?
Twin Limoges,
For Gemini you.
Memories of sixty,
Three years back.
Bora Bora magic,
In our Tahitian shack.
Back from Phoenix,
Still employed.
But I can tell,
You’re quite annoyed.
More pleasant travels,
Miranda’s way.
As we head next,
To Frisco Bay.
Marriage plans,
To be discussed.
This time you’ll be,
Some “help” I trust.
Mother of the bride,
Twice this year.
Both big days,
Are very near.
It’s quite a gift,
They’re giving you.
As your two babies,
Say “I Do.”
So, Happy Birthday,
And many more.
To their Mother,
That I adore.
Copyright 2019 johnstonwrites.com
We’re on the move today, satisfying my wife’s need to keep busy on her precious days off. She arranged an early dinner with friends last night and made plans to visit the Vancouver, WA farmer’s market this morning. We have to pick up a case of wine that we bought on our way back from Walla Walla a few weeks ago. We’ll check out a few of the sights from the other side of the Columbia River while we’re there and maybe grab some breakfast. In the meantime, we’ll give our bored dogs some exercise and fresh air via a “Schnauzerthon” through the neighborhood park. It’s Day 3822 of “The Streak,” and the dog outing breaks up the loneliness and monotony that often accompanies my day-to-day roadwork. I’ll push our aging pup Tinker at a fast pace in the stroller during part of the 4 mile challenge this morning, and try to get Tally to “run like the wind,” that usually turns out to be “dragging” her reluctantly along on the leash. I’ll then leave my wife with both dogs and the stroller while I jog the winding path through the woods on my own. Two schnauzers, my walking wife, a stroller, and solo sprints make up the various legs of our weekend “Schnauzerthon.” I continue to struggle with a sore lower back.
This family activity has been going on for nearly a year now, since my wife bought the stroller at an auction fundraiser. (See Post #617). This year, we’re skipping this Soulful Giving event that comes around again in another few weeks in favor of a Zupan’s Market “Oregon Bounty” dinner with friends. We’re also not going to Polo Noir that happens the weekend after with this same couple. We had all attended the first two of these “Sport of Kings” events because of the music acts that included Bruce Hornsby. It was like going to the Kentucky Derby to watch all the fashionable outfits. It has no appeal this year.
I just got a few more gift cards for Father’s Day from my wife. We’ll have steak salad for dinner tonight in honor of the occasion and maybe a bottle of the wine we’re about to pick up at the Vancouver Market. My wife slept in a little bit this morning while I wrote this post, but the dogs are getting anxious for their “Schnauzerthon.” Hopefully, Tinker won’t poop in the stroller like she did a few weeks ago during the American Heart Association 5k. She’s usually pretty good about letting us know – with a bark – when she needs to get out and do her business. However, you never know with an aging pup of 15 years that’s earned the reputation as “The Poopingest Pup on the Planet.” (author note: the poopsident happened despite this premonition – however, an easy clean-up this time.)
I’m taking the road to the Oregon Coast this morning, hoping to avoid the 98 degree high expected this afternoon. It should be at least 20 degrees cooler near the Pacific. It’s also enjoyable to drive the winding road through the Coastal Range to get there and back. It reminds me of a roller coaster, twisting through the Tillamook Forest alongside the Wilson River. It will take a little over an hour-and-a-half to get to my friend’s home on Netarts Bay. We went kayaking the last time I visited, but the dogs will go with me this time. My friends have two big Labradoodles named Quincy & Zane that my schnauzers Tinker & Tally look up to – way up to!
Rog and I went to high school and I.U. together, so our friendship goes back at least 50 years. Last year at this time we went to the College World Series in Omaha to watch Oregon State win the national title. He and his wife moved out to the Coast two years ago and they use our guest room as “home base” when they come into Portland for events like Jason Mraz and Hamilton. Just before they sold their Portland home, we all did a retirement river cruise from Paris to Normandy. Another memorable experience was our trip to the Maui Classic to watch I.U. play basketball. This was actually before my wife and I moved to Portland. I also fondly recall some “bachelor” trips to Mt. Bachelor for skiing. My son Adam even joined us on one of those occasions. I’m looking forward to today’s visit where perhaps we’ll plot our next great adventure.
My son and his family are headed to Disney World this afternoon. I was able to set them in a nearby condo as part of our Marriott Vacation Club ownership. We’re also using it for both my step daughters honeymoons – one is already set up for Maui later this year. It’s an investment that’s been useful for our entire family and something that’s being passed down through our will. We’ve already enjoyed luxury lodging in Phoenix, Bangkok, Phuket, and Maui in the short time we’ve been involved. Tonight, however, the dogs and I will be bumming off my close friends – the much more affordable “Rog Vacation Club,” at the end of the roller coaster.
I can’t help but think about Home Alone the 1990 American Christmas comedy film written and produced by John Hughes and directed by Chris Columbus. The film stars Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, John Heard, and Catherine O’Hara. I’m home alone today, as well, except it wasn’t by mistake as in the movie. My working wife is on a business trip to Phoenix, while I’m home with the dogs and cat. Normally, I would accompany her, but I’ve already been to Phoenix one time already this year. I will not miss the hassles of travel, and instead will drive the pups out to the coast for a night. It’s supposed to be in the mid-90’s today here in Portland, so it will be much cooler by the ocean. I can’t imagine how hot it will be in Phoenix.
We finally got all the paperwork signed yesterday on our wills, health directives, and power of attorney after meeting with a Notary Public. I also had a moment of panic when the bank sent me the wrong statement for our remaining balance on the house in Decatur, Illinois. It was one of the greatest hassles of my life, as it sat unsold for over six years. We took a big hit on its eventual sale after the real estate market turned ugly ten years ago. According to the bank, I would have been making payments for the next 60 years. They are sending me a new statement that should show it paid off in another 4 years.
It’s a busy day of errands that starts with a trip to the grooming spa for the dogs. Aging Tinker had to go to the Vet yesterday for a growth on her ear. It doesn’t seem to bother her, but sister Tally won’t stop licking it. While we were waiting for some medication, Tally somehow crewed through Tinker’s leash. They are a funny pair of pups. They will have to rely solely on me for the next few days with the absence of “Mom.” They’ll be anxious to see their furry buddies “Q” and “Z” tomorrow for some playtime on the beach. A few years ago, Tinker would run like the wind, but sadly tomorrow she’ll waddle around aimlessly in the sand. It will at least be a change of pace for the pups. Tally is not trustworthy off the leash, as has been proven several times while visiting the Oregon Coast.
I have my annual physical today, so I’m currently fasting. While my wife headed off to the airport, I finished my 3-mile run to mark 3,817 consecutive days. I did an actual “race” last weekend and finished second in my age group, Soon, there won’t be anyone left to race against – if I could even call it racing. It’s more of an old man shuffle, trying to maintain my balance. Tinker and I have a lot in common when it comes to moving slowly. At least, it keeps me in decent shape and hopefully the results of my check-up will prove favorable. My wife’s company provides a discount on health insurance for completing a check-list of exams and activities. In a way, I guess I’m being paid for shuffling every day – even when I’m home alone.