Today's thoughts

Category: CREATURE FEATURES (Page 27 of 37)

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! (Plus dogs and cats)

Retirement is not without Hassles: Thirsty #602

It was a cool 48 degrees outside this morning when I started my run, so the warm sunshine felt good on my face as it popped up over the surrounding hills. I like the sensation of cold air in my lungs, reminiscent of the ski slopes. I was a bit hungover from last night’s Outstanding in the Field dinner at Archery Summit. The long table for about 200 of us was set in the midst of a vineyard overlooking the distant mountains, and the wine was flowing. One of my wife’s co-workers and husband-to-be from Austin are in town for a long weekend, and they had planned around attending this event. We will go to their wedding in a few months, returning to the Lonestar State for the first time since we moved to Portland. It’s been Texas-like hot here the past week or so, but more comfortable temperatures settled-in last night.

I’m looking forward to today’s “Leadership Luncheon,” a “tongue-in-cheek” title I’ve given to our end-of-week get-together at Buffalo Wild Wings. At one time in my business career, I used to attend Leadership brainstorming breakfasts and luncheons where we would offer solutions to city problems. The retirement version is much less serious and usually involves some day drinking. It will be an early start today because of the Cubs vs. Cardinals game on the big screens. There may be four of us today, which qualifies it more as a “conference.” If five or more show up, it’s a “convention.” The term “tongue-in-cheek” is a variation of biting one’s tongue to keep from laughing. Laughter is what “Leadership Meetings” are all about when you’re retired, like the majority of the attendees.

After running, my morning ritual currently involves watching the Tour de France coverage, trying to remember how long it has been since I’ve been on a bicycle. There’s one in the garage with a flat tire. I do have a tight-fitting rider’s jersey that I bought promoting the Ravenswood Winery racing team from Napa Valley wine country, keeping with the eating and drinking theme of today’s blog. I do have several friends that take their riding seriously, but I haven’t ridden competitively since Indiana University’s Little 500 back in 1972. That’s only 45 years ago and another reminder that my 50th high school reunion is coming up next year. This is probably why genealogy has become a recent fascination.

I took the pups on a car ride yesterday to break-up their daily routine a bit. Tinker has trouble getting in and out of the car, but her ears still perk-up at the mention of the word “ride.” It’s right up there with “hungry” and “go.” Younger Tally gets stuck in the back seat, particularly if I don’t have the elevated bed set up. Today will undoubtedly be a convertible day. Yesterday, we went to the library to pick up some more Ken Burns’ DVD documentaries. In retirement, I do make every effort to balance watching sports with continued education. The Central Park Five along with Elizabeth Cady Stanton & Susan B. Anthony will be next week’s history lessons. I’ve watched over 25 of his productions since I’ve retired, starting with Baseball, and have enjoyed the diverse nature of each and every one. (See Post #430). I guess I’m also thirsty for knowledge. 

Retirement is not without Hassles: China Grove #593

As we were headed to Portland’s Chinese gardens yesterday morning, I started humming “China Grove,” by the Doobie Brothers. Even though we saw them perform the song a few months ago at the nearby Moda Center, I was still thinking “China Garden” and had trouble working it in to the melody, until my wife corrected me. “It’s China Grove, not China Garden….!” I’m not really sure how she ended this admonition, but this is not atypical of my memory for lyrics (or anything these days for that matter). On the other hand, she remembers every word of every song, but was just glad that I was willing to be her companion on this great outdoors adventure.

As I’ve made perfectly clear, I enjoy staying home, but she wants to be very active on her days off work and is always looking for something to do. We discussed the Coast since it was such a beautiful weekend, but were concerned about Fourth of July traffic. After we took the dogs on their walk/run and I got my 3-mile daily run in, we decided to go to the Lan Su Chinese Garden. It was on our shrinking list of Portland destinations and just a short drive from our house. She reasoned that if I took the time to visit the Lauritzen Botanical Gardens in Omaha during the rain breaks of the College World Series, then I could certainly handle one of our local gardens. She knows that I “hate nature,” but at least step outside to run for 35-40 minutes every day. It’s more than enough of the great outdoors as far as I am concerned, especially after 5 different outings every day for the dogs. I much prefer air-conditioned comfort, so it’s surprising to most people that I have a dark tan. I do put down the top on the convertible and sit on the back deck, so I’m not totally against fresh air and sunshine. We also travel at least one week every month and these adventures typically take me outside my comfort zone.

I spent several hours this morning outside on our back deck cleaning our grill and the white deck rails. My wife has done an outstanding job with her plants, trees and pots trying to provide us with a colorful garden of privacy. We lost all the tall pine trees around it last year, and it appeared naked and exposed before my wife went to work on it. I try not to take-on extra projects in my retirement, but after she served us a steak dinner out there last night I volunteered to improve the nasty look of our grimy, stainless-steel DCS. It’s easy to just put the cover over the top of it and leave the clean-up to the next time. There had been too many next-times, so it deserved my attention. As soon as I started, I began to regret that decision and slowly removed several years of grease and char. The railings surrounding it took another half-hour of me being exposed to the elements. I just wanted to sit down inside and write.

The Lan Su Chinese Garden turned out to be a nice compromise yesterday, because I got plenty of indoor time. It only took an hour-and-a-half with a slow-moving tour guide, who provided us with a lot of good information. About half-way through her enthusiastic efforts, we had to break-off on our own. We did learn that the garden is a joint effort between Portland and sister-city Suzhou, and that Chinese gardens, as opposed to Japanese, are built around homes. I could definitely relate to the fact that this design was planned for an owner who loved to stay home. He surrounded himself with elements of the forest, the mountains, and the water, so he didn’t have to travel to enjoy them. I liked his thinking! 

It was an active weekend that started with dinner with our dogs at Veggie Grill. We watched a movie at home, I Can Only Imagine, spent time with the dogs each morning, went to see Ant-Man and The Wasp at the theater, and enjoyed breakfast at Biscuits before our drive downtown to experience some Chinese philosophy as expressed in a home & garden incorporated as one. I also thought of one more song, “Garden Party,” by Ricky Nelson, but please don’t ask me to remember the words. 

 

 

Retirement is not without Hassles: More Connections #589

I’m letting the dust settle from several “blasts from the past” over the past few days. First, I got a Facebook message from the sister of a grade school and high school friend of mine. His father was my family’s physician growing up, and we had stayed in touch up until about 20 years ago. It was great to see his picture, as it brought back many memories – good and bad. On the awkward side, I vividly remember spending the night at his house when I was very young, and being too timid to walk down the unfamiliar halls in the middle of the night to the much-needed toilet. It was not a pleasant experience to wake up in wet sheets. I’m sure his mom was livid when she discovered my little “accident.” I don’t remember being asked to come over again, but I can assure you that this has never happened again.

My friend’s younger sister, who I did not know as well, made an inaugural business trip of mine to New York City in the mid-eighties an unforgettable memory. She was Director of International Relations at the luxurious Plaza Hotel, and upgraded my reservation to a massive suite with a walk-in safe, 5-large windows overlooking Central Park, a conference table, multiple television sets, and a bathroom larger than my apartment at the time. There was oddly also an access panel to the plumbing that contained stacks of porn magazines that I doubt were supplied by hotel management. When I finally got the chance to thank her for the stellar accommodations, she apologized for being put in charge of Prince Rainier’s three-week (turns out it was actually King Rainier III) visit to the city, which totally consumed any possible free time she might have had to get together with me. She did say that his majesty was staying in a suite similar to mine on the next floor, so on my first visit to the Big Apple I was definitely treated like Royalty. She also confidentially told me that “The Prince (King)” had given her a huge cash tip and some diamond jewelry for her efforts, items that hotel policies prohibited her from accepting. I suggested that she keep the cash and turn in the jewelry, and told her that I could only afford flowers as a thank you. It’s still by far the best hotel room I’ve ever experienced. I think she followed my advice after I ran into her a few years later.

At the same time I was responding to her Facebook messages, I found some Portland area pictures posted by an old acquaintance of both my wife and I during our years in Indianapolis. I made impromptu arrangements to meet him and his wife for dinner and drinks tonight, even though I can’t really remember how we actually met. I know we were both involved in the radio business, joined Ad Club together, worked with my wife when she was with an advertising agency, and partnered with BRG Sports Marketing, the racing group I was once associated withon some Indy 500 sponsorship deals. I’m sure we’ll uncover the root of our relationship that I think dates back to South Bend, Indiana. My wife and I have know him for a long time, but not well, so I wanted to take advantage of his coincidental time in Portland thanks to Facebook. It’s one of many re-connections that I’ve made through social media sites. (See Post #232).  

Last night, in this spontaneous flurry of messages from long-lost “pals,” I also heard from a much more recent co-worker through Linked-In who wants to get together for drinks next week. We’ve already have reunited twice since I’ve retired, but in the process of changing jobs he had not responded to a message I had sent over a month ago. The timing of his note, along with these other re-connections has been one of the joys of retirement. By the way, this all was happening while we were meeting the “boyfriend” of my wife’s daughter for the first time, another new connection in life that we hope continues. 

I’m not seeing the same people every day at the workplace anymore or doing business networking, but rather renewing past relationships and making new connections through websites like Ancestry.com and 23andme that are assisting me in solidifying family ties. My wife, someone that I do see every day, has been very supportive of both my curiosity and social nature. It keeps me busy, while reminding me that friends and family are the most important things in life, even though they may come and go like the wind. 

Creature Features: Bang! #588

Creatures of any kind do not like loud noises  so I was pleased to see that the country of Italy was touting “silent fireworks” to reduce animal stress during this year’s celebrations. Obviously, they are not celebrating Independence Day today as we are in America, but rather Liberation Day on April 25. For Germany it’s May 23, the United Kingdom May 1, Greece Feb. 3, Portugal June 24, and Turkey Oct. 29, just a few of the occasions around the world for lighting firecrackers and scaring pets & small children. Our two schnauzers, Tinker and Tally, are wearing festive red, white, & blue collars in anticipation of the big bang.

Tinker will probably not hear the bottle rockets, M-80’s, and roman candles that are inevitable in the neighborhood tonight. We intend to drive downtown for the Blues Festival fireworks that we’ll be observing from a quieter distance, so both dogs will probably ride along. Tally freaks at any loud noise, so she’ll probably be on my wife’s lap. Frankie our cat will be hiding under the bed, as she does every day. Of all the pets we’ve owned together, my wife’s first dog Belle was the most sensitive to noise and usually required some sedation. Like Tinker, as she got older her hearing began to fade and the Fourth became less frightening. We would later discover through X-rays that there was a “BB” lodged in her leg, so at some point prior to adoption, she was shot. As a result, she would always associate fireworks with pain.

I would prefer quiet tonight, but there were times in my life when I enjoyed making things explode. (See Post #107) We would also make frequent stops in Tennessee on our way home from Florida to buy legal fireworks, and illegally bring them into Indiana for Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve fun. I used to collect colorful firecracker labels like Black Cat, Dixie Boy, Lion, Silver Bird, Double Dragon, and Lone Eagle, and would display them on a bulletin board to show-off their unique oriental designs. It’s ironic that most of the brands featured animals that we now realize are the biggest victims of the noise. Fireworks were not the only insensitive thing that I did as a young boy, but at least now I’ve outgrown it. Anymore, firecrackers are nothing but dangerous noise pollutants.

Prepare your pets for a noisy night, and be thoughtful of those who earned us Freedom. Our soldiers and Veterans have made it possible for this night of celebration. However, the sounds of fireworks probably only remind them of the terror that they faced in battle. They fought for peace and instead we honor them with loud noise. “Thank you for your Service” is the only noise that I want to make tonight. Happy Fourth, and may your pets be safe on the Fifth. 

Retirement is not without Hassles: My Life by the alphabet: #586

If I had to describe my life alphabetically, this would be my answer:

A Adam my only son; A- blood type; Albion College Sigma Chi; 5-year Austin resident; Alpha Media President’s Club

B Banister at birth; Burt my dad; Baseball cards; Burger Chef & B.J. Thompson; Blue Blazers; Beardsley Bombers

C Certification with RAB & IAB; mother Cathy; NewsCenter 17; ACBJ Chairman’s Club; Colts; Coverdale Lake

Dee loving wife of now 17 years; Daytona 500 w/grand kids; Detroit Marathon; Diet Coke; George Dickel; Disney

E Eliza, my daughter-in-law; Elkhart High School graduation; Eagle Lake; Ernie Banks; Ford Edsel

F France trips, Future European travel, Final Fours, and World Series Finals

G Gavyn my first and only Grandson; Greek Parthenon visitor

H Homes in Indy, Sarasota, Edwardsburg, Union, Zionsville, Decatur, Austin, and Portland; Hall of Ivy

I  Italy, my favorite country to visit; Indiana born Hoosier; Indy 500 team member; Indy Ad Club President

J Johnston name for life at adoption; Judy, my sister’s name; johnstonwrites.com 

K Kitties named Marilee, Macey, Dimey, & Frankie; KXL, KINK, KXTG, KUFO, KUPL, KBFF, WE 96.3; Kidney Stones

L Lin Television retirement pension, Love of sports; Sherm Lollar; Lake Decatur; Lookwell Dairy; Limoges Boxes

M Megan & Miranda step-daughters, Granddaughter Maddux; Marriott Rewards; Middlebury Independent; Mustang

N Nora Grace my youngest Granddaughter born this year; North Side Junior High; No Alaska or Maine

O Over 40 years in the media business including agency, radio, digital, newspaper, magazine, & TV

P Politics, religion, & Bobby Knight not to be discussed; Portland current home; Poet; John Purdue Club

Q Quit working last year to retire at 65; Qualified blog writer 

R Running Streak of 10 years; FOX 12 Hood to Coast Relayteam; Reggie Miller Pacers fan; Rice Krispies; Roxie

S Schnauzers: Gizmo, Tinker, Tally, and Roxie; States lived: Michigan, Indiana, Florida, Illinois, Texas, and Oregon. Sherm Lollar fan.

T Toastmaster’s DTM, TV GM; Travel enthusiast; Toyota Solara; Taylor Univ. Jr. BB camp; Timbers; Top Dog Award

U University of Indiana (IU) diploma; Ukulele player wanna-be

V Viking Cruises to Normandy, Athens, and soon Egypt; Volcano Pizza

W World cruise on bucket list; White Sox, Bears & Cubs; WYEZ, WTRC, WIBC radio; WISH, WLFI, WAND TV

X-Wife Marcia of 27 years

Y is for Yesterday the last book that my favorite author Sue Grafton wrote as part of her alphabet series

Z Zanna my 96-year old Mother-in-Law 

Creature Features: CBD #579

CBD Oil is quickly becoming a popular pain and anxiety remedy, even with pets. We were concerned about putting our schnauzer Tinker on steroids to relieve her joint pain, as her abilities to maintain mobility has further declined in recent months. Cortisone seemed to provide temporary help but an injection would only last for a week. We were thinking about Prednisone, but my wife’s dog Belle, who passed away years ago, had to relieve her bladder frequently, leading to several unfortunate accidents. Tinker is already the “Poopingest Pup on the Planet,” so we weren’t exactly excited about adding any more Pees to her title. There have been a few accidental discharges of poop, but for the most part she has been able to wait. Also, she’s learned to confine these misfires to our tile floors. This was not the case in her early years, as she came to us without proper potty training and ruined several areas of carpeting. We do not want a relapse in this form of behavior.

Before we take this serious steroid step, we decided to try CBD oil. So far, it’s made her so calm that we sometimes have to carry her out the door. We cut back a bit on the dosage, but she apparently is still too stoned to care about going outside. She does not like to walk down the rough stone bumps that form the steep incline of our driveway, and likes to scrape her itchy butt against its surface. It’s almost like we have to drag her to the smooth pavement of the street below. In the meantime, Tally our other schnauzer is already half way down the street, while their leashes are stretched out to the max in both directions. A passing motorcyclist or pedestrian would need to worry about being clothes-lined. Tinker must really enjoy being dragged down our driveway, and continues to scoot her rear-end along the street, or pause frequently to itch, as we lead her to that grassy target of bladder relief. She’s very good at controlling her water intake during the day, so often the five times a day that we take her outside is just too much anymore. However, she still manages to poop on almost every trip, maintaining her “Poopingest Pup on the Planet” reputation. We’re not sure where it all comes from, since she only weighs 26 pounds.

If the CBD experiment eventually works for her, I may try it myself, since several of our friends have found some benefits in its use. Tally could probably use some calming, as well. She pulls us along on the leash anytime she’s free of the house. Tinker just can’t keep up anymore, so I see separate walks in their future. Tinker has just passed one-hundred dog years in the past few months, so to presume her to be pup-like anymore is beyond anyone’s expectations, with the exception of her prolific pooping power. 

Retirement is not without Hassles: What’s That Smell? #565

It’s been seven years since we’ve returned to Decatur, Illinois. It is the city that welcomed me with open arms 13 years ago, but turned out to be my first step to retirement, as I exited with my tail between my legs. I’m staying at the Fairfield Inn, the place where I first really began to accumulate Marriott Rewards Points. It was my home for several months in the move here after Indianapolis, Zionsville, and Lafayette. I remember the excitement in coming here as the TV station’s new General Manager, and preparing for my first public speech to the community in the mirror of this very hotel. My wife would come on weekends, but we would have to move to the Comfort Inn across the street because of our dog Belle, who loved to ride the elevator in her old age. She was reluctant to move here, but supported my career. 

I had a big job ahead of me, one that would shape my future with the company, and I worked hard to endear myself to the three largest communities that formed our primary coverage area – Springfield, Champaign-Urbana, and Decatur. We wanted to take advantage of a flip in network affiliation that suddenly made us the NBC affiliate, with Newscenter 17 as our newly established slogan. In somewhat of a welcome surprise, my wife soon joined me as General Sales Manager of the station, a move that was more beneficial to me than to her. To make a long story short, after several years as a husband-and-wife team, our viewer ratings and revenue grew to the point where our parent company was able to profit from our sale. The new owners were not comfortable with our marital relationship and chauvinistically disrespectful of my wife’s exceptional sales & management skills. She quickly decided to accept a position with our former company down in Austin, Texas. It’s when I began to lick my wounds and started to “practice for retirement.”

The new owners decided that it was in their best interest to remove me from office, and even left me without a car to get home. I walked “the aisle of shame” out of the TV station and the city of Decatur, and to make matters worse the local economy made it impossible to sell our home for over 5-years. We made a lot of great friends in the area, people that we always stay in touch with, but that doesn’t totally get the “bad taste” out of my mouth. This is only humorous because the first noticeable thing about arriving in the town was the distinct “smell” of the corn processing plants. I was immediately told, “that’s the smell of money!”  Add that smell to the bad taste in my mouth, and it’s been a difficult sensory experience here the last couple of days. I’ve had no desire to go by the house or the station, but getting together with old friends was worth the detour here.

I’ve always maintained that this retirement blog is mostly a selfish endeavor. I enjoy doing it and it’s a lot cheaper than therapy. The computer is my couch, as I express my frustrations, accomplishments, goals, and hopes. Like many other people approaching the age of sixty, the job market shrinks, and chances for advancement diminish. My wife continues to see her career flourish at this age, but she’s the exception rather than the rule. The last seven years of my career were taxing and unrewarding. If it weren’t for the company that gave me the Decatur opportunity and the pension they provide for me in retirement, I would not be enjoying this time of my life. I wish things had turned out differently in Decatur, and I’m trying my best to let bygones-be-bygones. 

This trip was part of our spring Midwest Marriott Tour that has included a range of hotels from Fairfield to JW Marriott. Yesterday, we were 33-stories over Indianapolis in a luxury setting, and today we’re in the midst of a hot-asphalt parking lot surrounding the half-empty mall. The extreme in accommodations closely matches the ups-and-downs of my career, with the lowest point being my last days in Decatur. I did not realize until this morning that there is a brand new Residence Inn just across the street that would have made our stay a little more pleasant for just a few more points. Conversely, the extended stay at the Fairfield Inn in the first few months that I lived here was definitely one of the high points, as I prepared to seize  the opportunity of re-branding and re-organizing a “new” TV station. At that time, the “Smell of Success” was stronger!

Retirement is not without Hasssles: Family Ties #557

“And they’re off!” Appropriate words on the day when Justified wins the Triple Crown. Instead, they signify the beginning of another adventure as we travel back home again to Indiana. This time, however, we fly into St. Louis instead of Chicago O’Hare or Indianapolis. We’ll spend the night there and drive through Illinois tomorrow, arriving in the Hoosier state in time for dinner with my wife’s mother.

We already went through the “you’re on vacation while it’s just another day for me” discussion, as my wife gets a well-deserved week off from work. She got through last week by dreaming of the Viking Ultimate World Cruise. We can only hope that this incentive lasts four more years until she joins me in retirement.

I’m sure she would rather be traveling elsewhere – say Bali. These quarterly visits to her home town eat up most of her vacation time at considerable expense. Only my sister, her kids, and grandchildren are left for me to visit, but mostly we stay in touch by phone. There just isn’t enough time to cover all our bases in the state, so I try to get with them for Christmas each year. They are celebrating the high school  graduation of my nephew’s step-daughter this weekend. They are all growing up fast.

The Midwest tour will include a trip to my 96-year old mother-in-law’s doctor, a visit with my newborn great nephew, a couple of nights with my brother & sister-in-law, lunches & dinners with friends, some research on my birth mother’s family, and a Cubs vs. Cardinals game at Busch Stadium.

Our pets are home with a house sitter. Tinker our 100-year old schnauzer a.k.a “the poopingist pup on the planet,” was left pouting on the rug in my office as we tried to sneak our luggage out to the car. Tally, her younger sister, will like the attention and exercise she’ll get in our absence. Her eye is healing thanks to steroids, and we’re thankful that the biopsy proved benign. Otherwise, she might have become a Pirate dog sporting an eye-patch. AARRRRR….

It’s Father’s Day tomorrow, and I will probably hear from my son who lives in Florida. He’s busy with a new baby that I won’t see until our next trip to Illinois in two months. Hopefully, she won’t be graduating from high school in a blink of an eye. We’ll all meet at Wrigley Field, a sacred spot for my son and I. We took my grandson there when he was a baby, and my granddaughter a few years later. My son’s wife is from Chicago so they happen to be visiting for their annual vacation.

Keeping up with family is our greatest challenge. Only my wife’s eldest daughter lives nearby in Portland, while her youngest daughter is in D.C. I’m stopping over to meet my granddaughter in Chicago on the way to shake hands with a man who may soon become my (step) son-in-law. We’ll all have dinner in DC before they come to Portland for a wedding. It’s all part of the engagement process, or at least we hope.

So, we’re off for another “Planes, Trains, and Automobile” experience. “Back Home Again in Indiana,” where my wife and I met and had our children. Now, everyone is spread out all over the country, and we look for opportunities to get together as a family. It’s hard to believe that I’m actually trying to add a birth mother and other potential dna-based cousins to an already overwhelming puzzle of relatives. I don’t even have time to stay in touch with the Indiana cousins from the parents who adopted me 66 years ago, except through Facebook. Oh, the family ties that bind me!

 

Retirement is not without Hassles: Powerless #551

I felt powerless this weekend, as electronic hassles dominated my time. The wine cooler wasn’t cooling, the garage door wasn’t opening, the internet was out, and the TV went dark. I could blame it all on sun-spots or aliens jamming the circuits, but some of it was my fault. All of the cable problems were the result of a plug in the closet that I inadvertently knocked out of its socket. As I was on the phone to Comcast it had suddenly occurred to me that I was rooting around in the closet where some of the equipment is housed. At least I didn’t pay for a repairman to come out to plug it in for me.

Not having the TV on in our bedroom caused my wife to lose a night’s sleep. She does not like any seepage of light into our room or any foreign sounds, but can somehow drift-off into dreamland with the TV on. I can’t tell you the number of times she forgets to set the timer, and I have to turn it off in the middle of the night. At least, I can still see the pets on the floor, so I don’t trip over them and disturb their sleep. We’ve installed plantation shutters on all the windows in the house, and if the TV is not on our bedroom is pitch black. Since she’s still active in the TV business, the late night commercials are appropriately money in her pockets, peace of mind, and music to her ears. 

We also solved the wine cooler problem, by redistributing some our recent purchases. It was either that or rebooting the cooling equipment that caused it to function properly again. Unplugging and restarting has become my quick fix for all things electronic.  If it doesn’t work- turn it off and on until it does! This did not work for the garage door opener, and a service visit was necessary. You hope that it isn’t something embarrassingly simple that just wasted a $100 bill, but you also hope that it’s a simple enough repair to keep it under $250. If it’s any more than $250, it may be time for a new one. In this case, it was a circuit board that will need to be ordered for a grand total of exactly $250 once they complete installation. In the meantime, we’ll be carrying a key.

Although our schnauzer Tally is not electronic, I just got a call from the “Pet.Vet.Debt” doctor. Fortunately, the biopsy sample we sent in revealed that she doesn’t have cancerous cells in her right eye. She also does not need a new circuit board. I do, however, have to pick up some pricey cortisone drops tomorrow and set-up some follow-up appointments. Tinker, her older sister, has run out of medication, and I will need to get restocked before we leave for St. Louis on Saturday morning. Couple all this with pet sitting expenses for the next 8 days and we’ll need a lottery win.

Steely Dan (minus Walter Becker), The Doobie Brothers (minus the doobie), and James Taylor (minus Bonnie Raitt) will hopefully keep us distracted from electronic hassles for the next two nights. All shows are at the Moda Center here in Portland. We’ll see how our seats turn out! (See Post #121). I just hope that their set-up crews have better luck with the electronics than we have here at home. We have our cell phones if we need a flashlight, and will take our keys so we can get back in through the garage after the show. 

 

 

Creature Features: Poop #547

I have a twisted mind, so toilet humor is right up my alley. When you take the dogs out five times a day and go through roll after roll of “doggy bags,” you have to chuckle. Our schnauzer Tinker is “the poopingest dog on the planet,” with absolutely no modesty filter. On the other hand, our younger schnauzer Tally will only hide in the bushes or the ground cover to do her business. I like to laugh at a good poop joke, so movies and TV shows like American Pie, South Park, and Beavis & Butthead appeal to my juvenile tastes. I wrote this shi**y ditty to reflect my silly mood today, and will file it under “poems of questionable bad taste:”

Poop

Poop is a “dirty,”
Four-letter word.
But not as offensive,
As calling it “a turd.”

Privacy is crucial,
We’re a proud species.
We’re modest beings,
And ashamed of feces.

If we’re under stress,
The anus shrinks.
And we can’t help it,
If it stinks.

Was that last crack,
The butt of the joke?
What would we do,
If the toilet’s broke?

Holy Crap!
Now Pass the TP.
And when you wipe,
Charmin is the key.

Was Caddyshack,
Funny or uncouth?
Was that a floater,
Or a Baby Ruth?

If you experience, 
Unexpected defecation.
There’s no such thing
As a good explanation.

Please be thoughtful,
Post-excrement.
Remember to give it.
A Fabreze treatment.

We are early-schooled,
That it’s not very cool.
To loudly belch & fart,
Or talk about your stool.

Keep it in your pants,
Don’t stick out your tongue.
Never cuss and swear,
And stay away from dung.

Like Road apples,
Or cow pies.
Mucking stalls,
And Pig styes.

Honey Bucket,
While on the go.
Fertilizer,
Helps things grow.

Bird droppings,
Manure pit.
Compost pile,
Makes good sh*t.

It’s bound to happen,
Since you’re a consumer.
But there’s nothing funny,
About toilet humor.

Sometimes we call it,
“Number Two.”
From where that derives?
No one has a clue.

Clean up after pets,
Don’t leave it “behind.”
It’s stinky, smelly stuff,
Someone’s shoe will find.

A surprise ending,
As you go to scoop.
Pups can leave a brick,
Or sometimes soup.

What goes in,
Most comes out.
That’s what bowels,
Are all about.

With sudden urge,
Find a filling-station.
Do your business,
And hope for ventilation.

When it comes out,
Keep it hush.
Don’t say a word,
Just Flush.

Squirts or runs?
“Montezuma’s Revenge?”
Don’t make a mess,
Depends are your friends.

Or if constipation,
Makes you unfit,
Try a laxative,
And Give a sh*t.

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