Today's thoughts

Category: CREATURE FEATURES (Page 31 of 37)

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! (Plus dogs and cats)

Old Sport Sports: Final Four Memories #400

I continue to ease my frustrations with Indiana University basketball by dwelling on the past. I was at an antique show yesterday with a friend and bought a NCAA Final Four lapel pin collection for $20. There were ten pins from the cities that hosted the event between the years1977 and 1986. I recall being at three of these championships, and had I bought a pin at each site I would have spent at least $50, so ownership seemed worth it. There was only one Indiana championship in that 10 year period, and that took place  in Philadelphia in 1981, with Isiah Thomas, Randy Wittman, Ted Kitchel, Landon Turner, Steve Risley, Ray Tolbert, Glen Grunwald, and of course Coach Bobby Knight. They lost 9 games that year, but the team seemed to come together late in the season. Thomas and Tolbert were both first round NBA draft choices, while Grunwald and Risley were drafted in later rounds, Wittman, Steve Bouchie, Tony Brown, Jim Thomas, and Landon Turner were drafted in subsequent years, but Turner was permanently paralyzed in an automobile accident that left him confined to a wheelchair, suddenly ending any hopes for an NBA future.  The disappointing thing about my pin set is that Indiana won the National Championship the year before and the year after this collection was issued, so I will need to find pins for at least those two years, and some of the other years that I attended.

I went to my first Final Four in nearby Indianapolis back in 1980 at Market Square Arena when Purdue finished third and Louisville cut down the nets. The next year in Philadelphia was IU’s championship, and then the following year I traveled to New Orleans to watch North Carolina and freshman Michael Jordan beat Georgetown and Patrick Ewing.  It was the only NCAA championship game to feature three of  the NBA 50 Greatest Players (Jordan, Ewing, and James Worthy). The silly third place game had finally ended the year before, otherwise I would have seen Houston’s “Phi Slamma Jamma” play defending champion Louisville. It was indeed a Final Four for the ages! I returned to New Orleans in 1987 to watch IU’s Keith Smart hit “The Shot.” It unfortunately was the fifth and final championship for my Hoosiers in now over 30 years. I then had to watch Duke win it in Indianapolis at the Hoosier Dome in 1991 and again in 1992 in Minneapolis. That frustrating game was IU’s only loss in the opener of a Final Four, as they had won the tournament every time in their five previous appearances. In all honesty, we gave away our prime CBS tickets to the finale and got out of Dodge. It was Blue Devil and Coach K history that I didn’t want to see!

Indianapolis hosted in 2000, as Michigan State won over Florida, after North Carolina and Wisconsin were ousted. A good friend was a Spartan grad and hosted a celebration party where I overdid it on tequila shots. The TV station I worked for had a suite, so I was also involved in entertaining clients. The most memorable thing was that the hypochondriac wife of my boss was desperately trying to get a hold of him, and actually had them contact him through the scoreboard. I remember his name was flashed on the screen along with a message to call home.

Indiana then lost to Maryland in the championship game of 2002 in Atlanta. I was unable to go for some reason, probably because they had lost their tournament vulnerability ten years before. Mike Davis had replaced Bobby Knight that year, and somehow got that team to the championship despite 10 regular season losses and an additional loss in the Big Ten Tournament. They got some revenge on top-ranked Duke that year by upsetting them with in the Sweet Sixteen. They then went on to beat Oklahoma and Coach Kelvin Sampson, who would replace Davis and lead the team into NCAA probation hell. Jared Jeffries, Dane Fife, and Tom Coverdale starred for the Hoosier team that earned the dubious honor of losing the school’s very first NCAA Championship game. IU had won in their previous five appearances, and have not made it back since. Kelvin Sampson was the beginning of the program’s downfall, that experienced a brief surge under Tom Crean, and is now in the hands of Archie Miller. Maybe sometime in the future it will be “Miller Time!” (See Post #35)

In 2006, Indy once again hosted the event, so I was able to attend my 8th Final Four (and 7th Championship game). Florida won the title over UCLA, and we were able to attend all the CBS celebrity events that year. I remember spending a lot of time talking with an  up-and-coming unknown named Ray Romano, so the parties were much more memorable than the games. In 2010 it was wife’s Alma mater, Butler, that beat Michigan State but fell short against evil Duke. We then followed Butler to Houston, Texas in 2011, or they followed us. My wife had been transferred to Austin, so coincidentally another Final Four with Butler was within easy driving distance. Unfortunately, the Bulldogs lost again.

I’m now stuck on 10 Final Four appearances in my lifetime, and will be out of the country for this year’s games in San Antonio. Although, it might have been a good excuse to revisit some friends in Austin. As much as I hate to admit it, I hope that Purdue makes the field. After coming home from the antique show and showing off my new pin collection, I watched my inconsistent Hoosiers stumble mightily to the Michigan State Spartans, another team that has the potential to make it to San Antonio. I’m tired of losing, and miss those aspirations of making it to the Final Four, so I’m beginning to lose my hatred of the Boilermakers, and falling back on memories of working with Coach Gene Keady on his weekly televised basketball show. The TV station that I managed for several years in Lafayette, Indiana was the home of the Black & Gold, so I slowly learned to shed some of my bias towards IU’s biggest in-state rival. It’s time to decidedly leap on their bandwagon!

Purdue won the Old Oaken Bucket, what I sometimes call the Toilet Bowl, from IU in football his past season, and went on to win, in dramatic fashion, the lowly Foster Farms clash against Arizona. Back in 2001, while running WLFI-TV, I spared no expense to send a broadcast crew to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, to cover the Boilers and future Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Drew Brees. They lost to Washington, but gave me reason to include a few Boilermaker souvenirs in my sports collection. Since IU hasn’t even come close to being in a Rose Bowl since 1968, it’s been very easy to stray from any IU football allegiance. I’m growing tired of supporting losers like IU, The Colts, and Da’ Bears. I often wish I had gone to grad school, so I’d have other collegiate teams to support. I enjoy watching Butler win, except against IU, and have tried hard to root for the Oregon teams, but haven’t made that passionate connection, as yet. I felt sorry for Drew Brees this past weekend, losing a chance for his Saints to advance, due to a rookie teammate blunder. Instead it was the Minnesota Vikings who will play against the Eagles for a home Super Bowl appearance. They were once a favorite of mine because of the color purple. I once painted my Electric Football team as the Vikings, choosing them for some unknown reason over the Chicago Bears and the Baltimore (now Indianapolis) Colts. I’m jumping on their bandwagon, too. Boiler Up and Go Vikes – I’ll wear your pin!

 

 

 

Retirement is not without Hassles: ADORE #396

As I was nearing the #400 milestone on this blog, I happened to notice that I had misnumbered some of my earlier posts, so I had to go back and make adjustments. As it turned out, I had somehow skipped ahead by five, so I’m exactly on my daily posting pace since the first of the year, and not ahead as I originally thought. I number each entry, so I can provide past references to the same or similar subjects, so readers can go back to a specific post and get more information if they desire. I also use these numbers to keep myself honest in the quest to average one post a day.

Today is really the first day this year that I’m not scheduled to be somewhere other than dinner with my wife tonight. I’m totally free all day to catch up on personal matters. My wife admitted she was envious, as she left for the office this morning. I did make our reservations to visit the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and also began to make arrangements to see some of the Johannes Vermeer paintings, such as “Girl with a Pearl Earring,” during our short visit there in March. The Mauritshuis  in The Hague is home to this famous painting and about an hour from Amsterdam, about a 41 minute train ride, so it might be a bit of a stretch of our limited time in the country. From there, we will fly to Venice. It’s exciting to plan for these adventures. I’ve always felt that travel is 50% anticipating, 20% doing, and 30% reflecting, as I continue to research the areas where we hope to visit. This is what retirement is all about!

After our Netherlands layover, we’ll spend a couple of days in Venice, and then board a Viking Cruise ship to ports in Koper, Slovenia; Zadar, Croatia; Dubrovnik, Croatia; Kotor, Montenegro; and Corfu, Olympia, Satorini, and Athens, Greece. I have a lot of studying to do, but the ancient Olympic village is the top priority for me on this particular trip. We’ll book our on-board dining later this week. Also, we’re working on flight arrangements for a family visit to Indianapolis in late February, that will be much less eventful. By the time the first quarter of 2018 is over, I will have spent 31 nights, or one-third of my time on the road, and will undoubtedly be more than ready for a quiet day like today.

The bottom line is that we ADORE travel, as I refer to the acronym for Anticipating, DOing, and REflecting. We DID a lot of traveling in 2017, so there is much to REFLECT on from our amazing experiences together. As we look forward to future travel, there is so much to ANTICIPATE. I suppose we could use the same acronym for the experience of cooking, but my meal last night was not worthy of the word ADORE. It was the messiest meal I’ve ever prepared and there was too much clean-up involved; I didn’t slice the onions properly and they turned to mush; I let the short ribs stew too long in the slow cooker and they were a bit dry; The red wine gravy reduction that could have added some moisture and flavor to the meat had entirely too much onion flavor. I was very disappointed in my effort, however my wife was just glad to have a meal prepared, and was only modesty critical. Her anticipation was high, she tried to enjoy the very rich meal, but upon reflection decided that this recipe was probably not worth repeating. I’m glad tonight is “Date Night,” so somebody else will do the cooking for both of us to ADORE.

 

 

 

 

Diary of an Adoptee: Adoption #391

I always have viewed a trip to the mailbox like a treasure hunt. You never know what you’re going to find there – good or bad, including an unexpected check, a package you ordered, a surprise bill, a letter from the I.R.S., a note from an old friend, and three pieces of junk mail for every keeper. My first stop after the mailbox is usually the recycling bin. Yesterday I found one of the biggest surprises ever in my mailbox, but let me give you some background first and express my feelings through a poem. The rest of the story follows.

I was adopted as a baby (See Post #104) by the couple that I will always fondly remember as my parents. In the back of my mind, however, was admittedly some curiosity about the couple that gave me life. Who were they and why did we never become a family? I’ve always felt strongly that my birth mother made the right choice in giving me up for adoption, and that I was fortunate to end up in a loving home. In fact, I wrote this poem many years ago to thank her:

Thank You 

Some women aren’t ready,
To serve Mother’s role.
Raising a child,
Is not yet their goal.
.
A selfish moment,
Of love and lust.
But nothing like this,
Was ever discussed.
.
Two at the time,
Now left up to one.
He may have not known,
Or decided to run.
.
There’s feelings of shame,
Maybe left all alone.
But worst of all,
Your future unknown.
.
Financial hardship,
Not quite mature.
Is it fair to the child?
If the parent’s not sure.
.
If you’re not prepared,
There is an option.
If you’re not able,
Consider adoption.
.
If you’re not excited
About motherhood.
If you’re not happy,
Someone else would.
.
There are loving couples,
Who can’t conceive.
It’s the right thing to do,
You have to believe.
.
Can’t give up a baby,
So helpless and small?
It’s time to consider,
What’s best for all.

.

There may be guilt,
Or thoughts of regret.
But you can’t match,
The love they will get.
.
Please don’t abort,
A gift so great.
A life’s in your hands,
Don’t hesitate.
.
If you’re undecided,
Just ask me.
If not for someone like you,
I simply wouldn’t be.
.
If you need forgiveness,
For letting me go.
You did me a favor,
I want you to know.
.
Among the many things,
That I’m grateful for.
It wasn’t just my life,
I’ve added three more.
.
Not that I wouldn’t have,
Had a great life with you.
You wanted more for me,
And I know that’s true.

.

Thank you for me,
Sorry for the pain.
Though difficult to say,
Your loss was my gain.

.

Copyright November 2011

johnstonwrites.com

 

I had done a DNA test through 23andMe a year ago, hoping to simply get some general background information on my ethnicity. In the process of discovering my Northern European roots, I was put in touch with a total stranger that shares .96% of my DNA analysis.  He lives only about 4 hours away and has been researching his family tree for several years, having only recently discovered that the man that raised him was actually not his biological father, and began a search for his identity. In the process, he found a connection to me, since we are genetically related within three generations, that he suspects is on his mother’s side. Her name was Alta Constance Carpenter and she was born February 26, 1920 and died in April of 1995. She lived in Pendleton, Oregon, coincidentally only about three hours away from where I currently live. The song, “If I Were a Carpenter,” by Tim Harden immediately comes to mind. He performed it at Woodstock at 1969, and it was covered by Johnny Cash/June Carter, Bobby Darin, Joan Baez, The Four Tops, and Bob Seger, as I predictably drift away from the emotional subject at hand to take a humorous diversion.

As has been the case throughout my life, other people have done the searching for me, as I remained true to the only parents that I know. My allegiance was always with the couple that adopted me, and that somehow looking for my birth parents was a betrayal that I rarely pursued. When I mentioned to others that I was adopted, they always seemed to be more curious than I was. As a result, they did the work for me. A media friend in Indianapolis, for example, did an illegal search of sealed adoption records and gave me the name and address of my birth mother.  The address turned out to be the home for unwed mothers were I was cared for after birth, but the location of Edna Faye Bannister has always eluded me. After that initial shove, I reluctantly took a few “baby steps” and contacted the adoption agency. They provided me with general background information on the mother and her family, but nothing specific that I could pursue.  I did get a copy of my original hospital records and birth certificate that listed me only as “Infant Bannister,” confirming the Bannister name connection. The adoption paperwork also mentioned that my birth mother named me “Jerry Lee.”  This was six years before Jerry Lee Lewis made the name famous by recording his 1957 hit “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On.”

At that point, a had a dual identity (See Post #104), but search “angels” sent me on a wild goose chase to an Edna Bannister in the Rome, Georgia area. It was information in yesterday’s mail, sent to me by my 23andMe connection, that proved that theory wrong. Almost 30 years after I had been given the name, Edna Faye Bannister, I had a copy of her birth certificate and a 1940 Census that matches all her seven siblings to the general age information from the adoption agency report. I had found her, simply by opening the mail. Further investigation yesterday has led me to her son’s Facebook page with what I believe to be pictures of her along with my potential step brother.

I knew there was a reason that I’ve always been a fan of the movie, “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.” In fact, I made a reference to it in my last post. One of my favorite scenes is at the rental car agency, with the “gobble, gooble” lady behind the counter. He real name is Edie McClurg, but also known as Mrs. Poole from the TV show “Valerie.” My birth mother’s married name is now Mrs. Poole, and she has a son three years younger than me named Jerry Lee (she must have really liked that name).  I’m in the process of determining what my next step will be, but given all the information I’ve gathered, I feel very strongly that my birth mother is alive and soon to be 85 years old. She may be in for the next mailbox surprise. I will keep you all “posted.”

,

 

 

 

 

 

Retirement is not without Hassles: Patience #381

I continue down Route 66, with only a few bumps in the road. I’m not sure yet what I’ll use to symbolize my 67th year, but 66 was an easy choice. The much less familiar Highway 67, by the way, extends from Sabula, Iowa to Presidio, Texas, with Little Rock and Dallas as the two most notable cities along its not-so-alluring route. Fortunately, I still have eight months to come up with a new theme.

Route 66 safely transported me into 2018, plus I’ve passed through both its starting point in Chicago and terminus in Santa Monica in the past three months. I’ll continue to get “my kicks” up until my 67th birthday. By then, I will have traveled further around the world.

Today officially launches year two of retirement. Year one included 379 blog posts, exceeding my goal of one per day. I hope to maintain this steady pace through 2018. Regardless of whether anyone reads them, it provides a daily outlet for my feelings, opinions, ideas, and plans. If you’ve been following along, you know that I typically start every day with a three mile run. It’s often during that run that my thoughts come together for what I write. Today, my mind was totally focused on the icy, snow-covered path ahead of me and the minus six degree temperature. Thankfully, I will be back in warmer Portland tomorrow, where rain is a much easier challenge than the utter exhaustion I faced trudging through the snow this morning.

My wife finally spent a night in a bed last night, as opposed to the chair next to her hospitalized mother, where she somehow spent the previous five nights. She has to go back to work tomorrow, certainly exhausted from what I’m calling the “holiday from hell.” It was a dreadful combination of costly travel hassles, doctor conferences, healthcare decisions, sleepless nights, and freezing weather. Fortunately, our whole family came together to get through the challenges. It’s what family is for!

One of my stated “Resolutions” is to be more patient, as I nearly “lost it” last night, trying to salvage my always anticipated New Year’s Eve. It’s always been my favorite “holiday” because it typically doesn’t involve relatives, gifting, and other unhappy hassles. However, I found myself delivering Chinese food, requiring a lengthy wait to my 96 year old mother-in-law, and watching her take well over an hour to finally eat it, battling shaky hands and an I.V. tube stuck in her arm. I wanted to shove it down her throat, and tried to encourage her to eat her chow mein and crispy noodles with her hands. She’s too much of a proper lady to do that, and I was an impatient, selfish pig, anxious for my own dinner and some alone time with my wife. Nobody was having a Happy New Year in my world. The ability to wait for something without getting angry or upset was clearly not a virtue with me! Can that improve in 2018?

Retirement is not without Hassles: Welcome New Year #380

With hours of down time, sitting in my mother-in-law’s hospital room, I’ve had plenty of time to think about the coming year. Here is my list of resolutions for the upcoming year:

Build A More positive attitude – rainbows
Get Tooth fixed/New Dentist
Physical/Hearing checked/new glasses
Less Drinking 1 instead of 2
Weekly Friday Leadership Meeting lunch
Compliment my wife more
See the “Beauty in Life” – patience
Get To Run Everyday for 10th straight year
Daily pushups, crunches, and stretching
Be a better dog owner
Drink More water and less Diet Coke
Lose 10 pounds
More connections with old friends and family
Indy Car Portland weekend
No Debt Continues
Enter writing contest
Chew slowly/soft foods – protect teeth
Celebrate each day with my wife
Be a good Grandad and father starting with Disney world weekend and the birth of a third grandchild in May
Continue to Contribute to kids education fund
Limoges Box gift with poem each month
Daily blog post with monthly poem
Weekly Date Night
Weekly Movie Night
Sunrise game-Oregon State/Cubs/IU Game/Bowl and NCAA Tourney Game
Call my sister on Mondays
No car payments this year
Find volunteer work/contributions/give back
Continue Cooking on Tuesdays
Cut down on expenses
Continue laundry/vacuum/dust/mop
Expand Sports collection
Amsterdam and Venice Viking Cruise to Athens
St. Louis baseball weekend, Disney World, French Laundry dinner, Hawaii, Tucson, Indiana, NYC Broadway, Mexico, Vancouver Gardens, (90 days max away from home)
Plan Thailand trip for next year
Plan China Trip  in two years
Read a book a week
Finish Ken Burns documentaries
Finish novel about Tinker
Do some drawing, sketching, painting
Learn to play the uke
Continue to learn about history
Find out more about my birth mother

Creature Feature: I said “Sit” #374

I’ve spent the past few days organizing some poems and posts into a notebook for eventual publication. This will be my second attempt in life to write a book. I also hope to add some illustrations to accompany some of the humorous poems and stories that I have written these past few years. The title will be “I Said, Sit.” and it will be about our dog Tinker. I wrote this poem today to set the stage:

I Said, “Sit.”

She’s not a horse,
Just a little dog.
She eats like a pig,
And “goes” like a hog.
.
She finished her food,
And half of yours, too.
And now you know,
What she needs to do.
.
You take her outside,
She looks for a spot.
This may be it?
Or no, maybe not?
.
She circles and sniffs,
Scratches then stops.
Hoping it’s where,
The poop finally drops.
.
But something’s awry,
And she moves on.
Because up ahead,
Is a much greener lawn.
.
This might be it,
More time goes by.
It’s not even raining,
The ground is dry.
.
Now ready to squat,
The moment is near.
Move out of the way,
Time to stand clear.
.
Will the deposit she makes,
Form a big pile?
Or will we continue,
Waiting a while?

.

She finally goes here,
And AGAIN over there.
That’s just not possible,
We soon declare.
.
How can so much,
Come out of one dog?
That’s not a poop,
That’s the whole log.
.
What goes in,
Must come out.
In her case you can’t,
Turn off the spout.
.
Number two with her,
Always comes first.
Then the other pipe,
Is ready to burst.
.
I see a leak.
You got a pail?
Two holes hide,
Under that tail.
.
We call her “Tinker,”
The bottomless pit.
Maybe she misunderstood,
When I said, “sit.”
.
She’s “The Pooping-est,
Dog on the Planet.”
The title may stink,
But Tink’s full of it.

.

Copyright 2017 johnstonwrites.com

 

I Said, “Sit.”

I hope you’re not offended with toilet humor when it comes to dogs, because it’s one of Tinker’s endearing habits, as a result of her voracious appetite. I originally wanted to title the book, Tinker’s Tail, because of what frequently comes out from underneath her plume-like appendage. It reminds me of a Swifter Duster, ready to go to work on the furniture. Fortunately, unlike many dogs of the Schnauzer breed, her tail was not clipped and turns out to be one of her most distinctive features, along with her bearded snout. Schnauzer is the German word for “snout” and translates colloquially to “mustache” from what I have read. The name Tinker came from Walt Disney, since her furry older sister at the time of her adoption into our family was named Belle. At the time of this writing, Tinker is approaching 100 dog years, and this will commemorate her life as the “Pooping-est Pup on the Planet.” I also want to recognize our other Schnauzer pup, Tally, who when teamed up with Tinker, makes an explosive combination of T-N-T. These two have been together as part of our family for 7 years. I hope you enjoy this collection of humorous poems and stories about the dogs that have made our lives special.

 

 

 

 

 

Retirement is not without Hassles: Unbelievable #373

Normally tonight would be “Date Night,” but with family in town we will dine together at Noble Rot, even though the name itself is not very appetizing. Speaking of tasty, I successfully prepared the pan-roasted brined pork chop recipe last night for dinner and got rave reviews. However, it’s still very stressful and feels unnatural for me to be in the kitchen, so I’m glad to be going out tonight. We’ll also go see the new movie musical, “The Greatest Showman.” Hugh Jackman stars as P.T. Barnum.

In the next few days we’ll be traveling back to Indiana for the holidays. I’m excited this year because I finally get to see the piece of sports history that has remained a mystery to me now for several months. My collector friend strongly suggested that my wife buy it for me for Christmas, claiming that it’s “unbelievable.” That’s a strong word from a guy who owns one of the largest collections of authentic sports memorabilia, baseball cards, and autographed merchandise in the world. It will be interesting to see what he has for me. I will also visit with my cousins that I haven’t seen in over twenty years, and have dinner with my sister and her family. We’ll circle the Hoosier state, starting from O’Hare in Chicago through Rochester, down Highway 31 to Indianapolis, continue north up State Road 19 to South Bend/Mishawaka, and return to the airport five days later. It will be a whirlwind of feasts, family, and friends.

My wife’s daughters will not be making the trip back home with us. They were just there for Thanksgiving, so our dogs will get the pleasure of spending some time with her oldest. This will save us a lot of money on hiring a pet sitter, and make the pups much happier in our absence. I will have to sneak our suitcases into the closet tomorrow so as to not raise any suspicion of abandonment with our wise, old schnauzer named Tinker. If I get caught, she’ll start to worry before we even get out the door. We have another dinner at the Westgate Bourbon Bar planned with the girls, before the youngest heads back to D.C. and we get on the plane to Chicago.

I am so relieved to have finally finished the Walter Isaacson book, Leonardo Da Vinci. It was an interesting but tough read, filled with almost too much detail. It took me several weeks to get through it, but not nearly the time it took Leonardo to finish a painting, which he apparently rarely did. He led a comfortable life thanks to the patrons that supported his work, but never had a family or even a last name. He also failed to collect commissions on several projects as a result of procrastination, severe attention deficit issues and distractions due to unsatisfied curiosity; plus an incessant drive to pursue science, mathematics, engineering, and invention. He actually “lost interest” in painting, even though it was that particular skill that would become his greatest legacy. Since there are now fewer than 20 known works by Leonardo, his “laziness” and lack of production with the brush has actually made his paintings even more valuable today. In fact, just last month, his “Salvator Mundi” portrait sold at auction for a record-shattering 450.3 million dollars. Leonardo died 498 years ago at age 67 and left behind a notebook of sketches, drawings, and explanations of some of life’s greatest mysteries, not to mention the “Mona Lisa.”

Speaking of “unbelievable,” even though I’ve been to the Louvre several times, I would like to see the “Mona Lisa” again, after reading this book. There is always a huge crowd of people around the famous painting, so it’s impossible to get close enough to see any details. Also, there is much controversy about its potential restoration, especially since we’ve never seen the vivid layers of colors that Leonardo carefully applied in the seventeen years that he spent perfecting it. We only know the painting after five centuries of cracking, fading, and darkening deterioration. The fear of restoration is that it would no longer be recognizable. I guess I’m already fortunate to have seen the masterpiece in my lifetime, that will hopefully extend much longer than Leonardo’s 67 years.

I will never own a “Leonardo,” but hope to come home from Indiana with an “unbelievable” sporting masterpiece for my office. Several of my friends are just as curious as to what it is, as I am. They’ve heard me talk about it for months now, since my collector friend refused to take the risk of shipping it to me. He wanted me to pick it up, and the only hint that I have is that it is smaller than a breadbox, so I should have little trouble carrying it back on the plane with me. I’m guessing that it’s related to Indiana Hoosiers basketball or Chicago White Sox baseball history, since he also is a fan of both of those teams. He’s already given me several jerseys and other momentos through the years of our friendship from these favorites of mine.  His valuable collection definitely does not include anything from Leonardo da Vinci, but it does include authentic Babe Ruth and Honus Wagner “artwork.”

Creature Features: The Dance (Part 3) #372

Tinker has been all the talk today, as “Her Girl” has come to visit. It’s remarkable that after so much time apart how quickly they reconnect. Tinker’s memory is a tribute to her intelligence – she never forgets! Right now, however, she is back at my feet, temporarily loyal to the hand that just fed her and took her outside. She and Tally are in waiting mode for mom to get home from the office, and the chance to reunite at the garage entrance to the condo.  Who knows how long they think she’s been gone? By the way they react every night, you would think it was years! I will soon be forgotten as the whole family comes together as one – dogs, cat, parents, and daughters.

When I was growing up, my mom could tell when I needed to use the bathroom. I couldn’t keep my body still, moving about in a near spastic manner, legs shaking, and arms quaking that made everyone uncomfortable, yet I couldn’t find the time or make the effort to visit the bathroom without being asked. She called it the “Tinkle Dance.” Tinker does a little dance, almost as annoying as mine used to probably be, as she tries desperately to find the right spot. It is particularly frustrating in the rain as she slowly moves back-and-forth, forth-and-back, as I watch with little patience, waiting for “lift off.” As a girl she rarely raises her leg, and gives little indication of her need to pee, so I simply have to wait for what sometimes feels like decades. If I’m in a hurry to be someplace, it is particularly painful to watch as she circles, hops, tip-toes on the uncomfortable grass, and ultimately lets go. It’s less dramatic with a poop that is always followed with the bull-like kicking of the turf with her back feet, a habit she may have picked up from her first sister Belle. Nonetheless, there’s a “Tinker Dance” that accompanies each performance. It’s a gesture of accomplishment yearning for acknowledgment. I hope I didn’t anticipate the same praise after my mom urged me to seek the toilet.

Today’s posts have been filled with toilet humor, that seems almost endearing when it comes to pets. Five times a day I urge them to go, so I can get back inside and continue writing. It’s a pet owners ritual when you don’t have a convenient back yard. Unfortunately, it’s also like trying to watch the kettle boil. It never does! We all wish we could train our dogs to use the toilet and not to leave the seat up. A solution has been found for cats with the invention of the litter box. Are dogs just not smart enough to use one? The poodle in Tinker makes her smart, but she prefers just to eat the cat turds like a trip to the buffet. “Bone Wars” often extend to “Turd Wars,” as Tinker and Tally wait patiently for much anticipated cat action to satisfy their endless hunger. We have installed a Door Buddy strap to prevent the recycling of these feline leave-behinds. Ironically, the kitty uses the same rear kick of the bull, like Tinker, to attempt to bury these apparently tasty treasures. Similarly, Tinker turds occasionally still show up on the kitchen floor, but only in emergency situations. She tries to blame it on Tally, but we know better since she somehow consumes twice as much food and therefore has to poop twice as much.  At least it’s never on the carpeting anymore, since we’ve now gone primarily to hardwood and tile floors.

Here’s one last poetic thought on Tinker:

Tinker’s Tail (Tale)

.

Eye goobers,
Itchy skin.
Crusty hair,
Under her chin.

.

Dark age spots,
Droopy Eyes.
Lack of energy,
But she still tries.

.

Joints that ache,
A few steps slow.
But don’t ask twice,
She wants to GO!

.

Good dogs like her,
Are hard to find.
Years of training,
Her amazing mind.

.

An appetite,
That’s never full.
Just offer her,
An extra bowl.

.

Bat-like ears,
Schnauzer beard.
A distinctive bark,
That can be feared.

.

Curly gray hair,
Coal black nose.
Our love for her,
Forever grows.

.

Fuzzy eyebrows,
Cheshire grin.
Adopting her,
We’d do again.

.

But growing old,
Can be cruel.
Her best hope’s,
A good gene pool.

.

A woo-like whimper,
When she’s glad.
Tail up – she’s happy,
Down means sad.

.

We hope to get.
A few more years.
When she’s gone,
There will be tears.

.

Like a Timex watch.
Tinker’s still ticking.
And her pink tongue,
Keeps busy licking.

.

Copyright 2017 johnstonwrites.com

Creature Features: Tinker’s Tail (Part 2) #371

If you read the last post #370, you know that “Tinker’s Girl” has come to visit. My wife’s youngest daughter is here for the week, with her older sister joining us for dinner tonight. Tinker will be thrilled to see both of them together, although we all know her favorite – and it’s not me or my wife. During lunch today, we shared some more stories about Tinker, our schnauzer, especially after I told them I was putting together a book called “Tinker’s Tail,” the tale of the pooping-est pup on the planet! I may not actually call it that – but I do have a volume of humorous poems about our lovable pup named Tinker along with her mischievous sister Tally, and would like to get together with an illustrator to publish a tribute. I included the “Montezuma” story at the end of my trip down memory lane regarding our pets that I wrote about this morning. Consider the following paragraphs to be Part Two, the sequel to “Bone Wars.”

“Tinker’s Girl” reminded me of the time she took Tinker for a walk in Austin, Texas, where we moved after living in Decatur, Illinois. Following the nightmarish loss of an adorable little schnauzer that we adopted down there named Roxy to a horrible accident, Texas Tally came into our lives. Poor Roxie was with us for only a brief time before she was run over by a car. It was my fault for not paying closer attention, but ironically I had to pick-up Tinker’s poop and could not get out of the way of a fast moving vehicle that nearly took all of us out at a blind intersection in our apartment complex. There were no sidewalks, and the car took a short-cut around the corner without stopping. I will never forgive myself, but would have probably never had met Tally if it weren’t for that tragedy. As you might have guessed, Tinker is always pooping – the pooping-est dog ever, as we call her. She is still a bottomless pit and never misses a meal, while keeping a hairy eyeball and a lightening fast tongue on plates and bowls around her. What goes in – must come out! Justifiably, she was apparently abandoned as a pup and survived by eating acorns in the woods, according to the doctor who examined her stomach prior to our adoption.

According to my stepdaughter’s story, she was walking Tinker on South Congress Avenue near a Mexican restaurant. Tables were set up on the sidewalk and the place was packed with standing room only. Without any kind of warning, Tinker lost control of her sphincter and ruined several appetites by depositing a puddle of poop, the consistency of nacho cheese, on the sidewalk. It could only be mopped up, so the baggy she was carrying was useless, and they could only move on with their walk, regrettably leaving the residue behind. “Tinker’s Girl” was helpless and embarrassed, but Tinker herself was already searching for another abandoned nacho chip. I had a similar thing happen here in Portland a few years ago, but at least it was raining and quickly washed away as opposed to being baked into the hot Texas pavement.  This was clearly not an appropriate lunch tale, but we all chuckled anyway. You just have to be careful about what comes out under Tinker’s tail!

Another story of “toilet humor” that she told us took place back in Decatur, Illinois, when Tinker was still a pup and furry sister Belle was still alive. The three of them went together to a neighbor’s house to let their Golden Retriever pup outside. Before she could even get its leash attached to go outside, the Golden peed in the middle of the kitchen floor and the other two dogs followed suit. Tinker added to the puddle first, while the unsteady, aging Belle tried to add her “two scents” worth. Instead, she sadly stumbled, slipped, and fell into the growing mess. While trying to get Belle back up on her feet, the other two were using the kitchen floor like a Slip and Slide.  I too had gone to take care of this same young Golden two days earlier, and found he had escaped from a cage of smelly, runny poop and tracked it carelessly throughout the house. It was obviously not worth babysitting this pup, since both of us ended up with extensive clean-up jobs just by trying to be neighborly. I fortunately did not take Tinker and Belle along on my visit. In all fairness, Tinker, at a later time, got revenge on this neighbor’s son, who was returning the favor of our help on behalf of his parents, and faced a severe case of Tinkerreah at our house. Dog sitting can be crappy duty – that’s for sure!

Poop stories can be gross, but they can also be funny if they don’t happen to you. This applies primarily to babies and dogs. As a precaution, I always carry extra bags when taking Tinker on even short walks. We’re guilty of feeding her “people food,” so I guess we’re just asking for trouble. She’s also been accused of sometimes having excessive gas. Through the years, however, she’s learned to do her duty outside, and has been great about managing her liquid intake when we’re not home. Tally is equally good about controlling her bladder around the house. Since we live in a condo, I have to walk them both on a leash, rather than giving them easy access to a fenced-in back yard, so I take them outside about five times a day. Tinker is living proof that bad dogs can become good dogs, once they are properly trained. She will not even wander off, even when a squirrel crosses her path. Tally, on the other hand, still has some growing up to do.

Creature Features: Bone Wars (Part 1) #370

My wife’s youngest daughter came to visit last night for the week. The dogs got to meet her at the airport after a long flight from her home in Washington D.C. She once lived with us in Decatur, Illinois, finishing up some undergraduate courses to enroll in Medical school. It was there that she met Tinker, our rescue schnauzer, and a connection was instantly sparked. Tinker had been abandoned as a pup and survived on her own until we found her at the Macon County Animal Shelter. At that time, she was in a cage still caked with mud, and my wife thought she was brown in color. However, once she had a bath, we were both surprised that she was a lighter shade of gray, but it was the eyes that caused my wife to fall in love. That was nearly twelve years ago.

We named her Tinker because we already had a Chow-pherd named Belle, and together they were Disneyesque. Belle was the mature, good dog, while Tinker ruined most of the carpeting in our home and was untrustworthy off the leash. We lived on a lake and she would frequently escape, frantically chase the ducks, and return covered in the same coat of mud that we first saw her wear. As a schnauzer mixed with what we believe is poodle (schnoodle), she was not fond of water, high strung, and barked at everything, yet was very intelligent. She had a big vocabulary and even learned to spell, after we refrained from using words that she recognized and spelled them out instead. Tinker was always full of energy and kept Belle young at heart. It was about ten years ago that Belle passed away, leaving my wife and her two daughters without their best friend.

While the older daughter was getting her Masters, the younger one was befriending Tinker in Decatur. We also had two cats at that time, so I ranked at least sixth on my wife’s list of favorites. With the loss of Belle, I had temporarily moved up on her “living list,” and was still trying to gain favoritism by pretending to love animals. Belle had grown to tolerate me, but was still reluctant to go on walks without the company of her owner. My wife and I had also jointly purchased a Burmese cat named Frankie, so I was slowly involved in building a personal family of pets, and would eventually over time grow to love them all. In fact, as a recent retiree, I’ve taken on most of the pet responsibilities, and will even cook some rice later today to help feed our four-legged family. I do much of the walking, feeding, and litter-box duties, but still leave the nurturing to my wife.

While we lived in Decatur, my wife’s youngest took on most of the pet responsibilities. I rarely saw Tinker, who had gladly moved into “Her Girl’s” room, along with Frankie the cat. When Tinker’s girl was at work, I would occasionally have to take her out to do her business, if she didn’t just do it on the carpet. I remember what I called “Tinkerrhea” that left a permanent brown reminder on our white dining room carpet, and a similar incident in the car that left me covered in doggie doo-doo. I was driving and she suddenly leaped off my wife’s lap to sit on mine, so there was little I could do to protect myself. Fortunately, we were traveling, so I had a change of clothes handy. I’m sure you’re all familiar with Montezuma’s revenge – this was Tinker’s! I also fondly recall a window I had to replace at our lake home, as Tinker and her girl were playing fetch. I still don’t exactly know how the window got broken, but the two of them spent many hours playing ball in the hallway. They were inseparable for that special year. It was also good for my wife, who never liked living there, to have the two of them in the house together. I was there, too, I need to mention.

Tinker is getting old and has grown to be the mature leader to her younger sister Tally, that Belle once was to her. Tally is now the high strung schnauzer of the family that likes to chew the limbs off stuffed animals. At least, she’s learned to confine her biting to these disposable creatures rather than the shoes, clothing, and furniture that she used to destroy with her teeth. Tinker still has an incessant, annoying bark that she uses to greet us, or as a mournful reminder that we are leaving her behind. I refer to Tinker and Tally as T-N-T because they can get into explosive arguments over toys and bones. “Bone Wars” happen often, as each becomes extremely possessive about their treats, toys, ball, rawhide chews, and pork chomps. Tally also likes to growl at passers-by, while Tinker is currently barking because “Her Girl” who came to visit is suddenly missing again. Apparently, she missed the fact that my wife’s daughter left to go for a run and couldn’t be found anywhere in the house. Tinker spent last night cuddling with her in bed, but often has to be assisted in making the jump up and down. As she sadly discovered, the bed was now empty, but she had somehow gotten up to double-check and couldn’t get back down, frantically barking for help. Tinker will be so sad when her best buddy goes back home later this week, even though the older sister will replace her in that bed, while my wife and I head back to Indiana for Christmas.

We all saw Star Wars this past week, but ‘Bone Wars” is by far my favorite. Each pet fights for our attention and fights with each other, as siblings often do. We try to share our affection and food equally, but violent wars break out, even when we’re gone. The other night we came home to an expensive broken vase in pieces on the floor, assuming that Tally had chased Frankie, as often happens, and in an effort to avoid confrontation the vase got in the way. Tally just wants to play, but Frankie sees it as a threat, just as older sister’s kitties reacted to her aggressive presence. Tally is a playful seven year old that has taken on the energy that Tinker once had. She leads the way on our weekend walks, tugging on her leash to go faster, while Tinker often lags behind. The “Tally Monster” is always the first one in the door after an outing, hoping to take possession of both chewy bones. Tinker will “bark-bark-bark” in retaliation until we intercede to return her stolen property. If Tinker happens to get hold of Tally’s bone, she will quickly gobble it down so there’s no chance for recovery. Tinker will also shamelessly eat out of her sister’s bowl, who often waits to see if we’re cooking something better. Hesitation loses wars, and when it comes to food Tinker always gets her way.

I’m sure it’s very complicated for Tinker and Tally, and even Frankie, as people come and go from their lives. The older daughter moved in with us in Austin, Texas, where we adopted Tally. She was working on her doctorate and needed to save some money. Tally naturally has bonded more with her, while Tinker had already found her favorite sister. The older sister moved with us to Portland, but now lives in a separate apartment with her two kitties. Tally always seemed to frighten the kitties, while they lived with us, so her bond with the older sister is somewhat restrained by the meanness to her furry babies. However, she comes over often to visit and will stay here whenever possible as we travel. All the pets are excited to see her, but Tinker gets especially excited when the younger sister, her best pal, comes to town. That day is here!

Montezuma (Tinkerrhea)

 .

We were in the car,

On the road.

Far away,

From our abode.

.

Our little dog,

On my wife’s lap.

Calmly taking,

A little nap.

.

All of a sudden,

“Tinker” had to go.

Signs of panic,

Began to show.

.

She jumped over,

On top of me.

I’m driving the car,

My hands weren’t free.

.

Before there was time,

To safely stop.

I quickly realized,

She was ready to pop.

.

It was Tinkerreah,

That came gushing out.

The smell soon left,

Little doubt.

.

Accidental?

Or revenge?

Like Montezuma,

I had to cringe.

.

She had the runs,

And ran to me.

Just how lucky,

Can a dog owner be?

.

 Copyright 2017 johnstonwrites.com

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