One of the by products of drinking Diet Coke, or any carbonated beverage for that matter, is excessive gas.  I’m sure you’ve all chanted or sang some version of this playground rhyme:

“Beans, Beans the musical fruit,

The more you eat, the more you toot.

The more you toot, the better you feel.

So let’s have beans for every meal!”

They say there is a high amount of oligosaccharides in beans – causing flatulence.  Another version starts:

“Beans, Beans, are good for your heart,

The more you eat, the more you fart.”

Any way you look at it – it’s silly potty humor, that should be beyond us fellow retirees.  Right?

Wrong.  It still makes me chuckle, even though in retirement, they seem to be more difficult to control.  Also, in some cases you wish you were wearing a “Depends.”

To prove that even in my older, more mature years, that I can still resort back to frat humor at any time, I’ve written my own version of a fart poem:

The Famous Fartist

Funny thing happened,
As I’m sitting there.
An embarrassing noise,
And a hot blast of air.
.
It came out of nowhere,
All eyes turned to me.
I wanted to hide,
I think you’d agree.
.
So I looked behind me,
To diminish the blame.
But they didn’t fall for it,
And I felt the shame.
.
A cloud of foul odor,
Surrounded me.
And the people nearby,
Started to flee.
.
We all know what happens,
After drinking a beer.
What goes in, comes out,
The sequence is clear:
.
Carbonation,
Relaxation.
Flatulation,
Jubilation.
.
When in a public restroom,
It can echo through the stalls.
But they don’t know it’s me,
Since I’m hidden behind walls.
.
Some like to Tweet,
I like to Toot.
Most are disgusted,
But I find it cute.
.
I do it on purpose,
Because it feels good.
If I could do it more often,
I certainly would.

.

Most are private moments,
As I try to be discreet.
But sometimes it just happens,
Depending on what I eat.
.
I enjoy the rumble,
As it begins to pass.
But the after-effects,
Can often be quite crass.
.
So under the sheets,
Is not a good plan.
No way to escape,
And no exhaust fan.
.
It’s a common fact,
That farting is a blast.
Unless of course it’s you,
That ends up getting gassed.
.
Farts make me laugh
I think they’re funny.
Except for the ones,
That come out runny.
.
I can send an S.O.S.,
Or be a motor boat.
Can conduct a symphony,
And hit most any note.
.
Some say that I possess,
The skills to be an artist.
Perhaps I’ll be remembered,
As The Famous Fartist.

.
copyright johnstonwrites.com