Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner wrote a song thirty years ago that could very well become the COVID-19 theme song. COVID-19 is really Corona (CO) Virus (VI) Disease (D), while Gordon is better known as Sting, the lead singer of The Police. He was once an English teacher and the song, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me,” is about a classroom affair. In these viral times, it’s now about “flattening the curve.” 

Young teacher the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be

Inside her there’s no room
This girl’s an open page
Book marking she’s so close now
This girl is half his age

Don’t stand so close to me
Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes it’s not so easy

To be the teacher’s pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, she’s waiting

His car is warm and dry…

What was initially six feet is now ten feet, and no two people should ever stand close together. These are the basic rules of social distancing. The ironic thing is that in these times of distance learning, it’s difficult for a teacher and student to have a full blown affair via the computer. The “teacher’s pet” is also now being petted at home, sleeping at their feet while they work from the terminal. The student is also under the watchful eye of a parent, locked in isolation from any outside contact. Sadly, in another thirty years this country will be run by these home-schooled kids taught by day-drinkers. 

I heard this song on the radio this morning as I was in the home stretch of my daily run. It’s the only extended time away from home that I get these days. However, yesterday, we did make what many would consider a risky visit to Costco. We wouldn’t have gone but the TV went out in the bedroom and the soonest we could get home delivery was at least two weeks. This was unacceptable to my wife who needs the background noise to fall asleep at night. We were also past-due on a new Dyson vacuum since the old one stopped working a week ago. As a result, I’ve been using our back-up hand-held version to sweep the floors of our apartment on my knees. If I didn’t know better, I could probably claim that the Coronavirus affects electronics as well as humans. While we were at the store, we also picked up a fresh supply of chocolate, so if we became infected we’d at least have sweets to feed the fever, and if we didn’t get sick…even better. 

I start day 16 of self-quarantine fresh with a new Vizio 32″ TV, Dyson v11 Animal Plus, a bag of assorted Kit Kat bars, and the Sting warning of, “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.” Tally, our schnauzer, would be glad to be any teacher’s pet. She’ll need to go outside a couple of times today, but otherwise I plan to stay inside watching TV, snacking and vacuuming (as if life these days doesn’t suck enough). I might even add to the excitement by taking the trash and recycling out. There will not be much chance for anyone, other than my wife, to stand too close to me. However, if someone does, I guess I should call the Police!