Just before I retired, as I began to count down the days, meetings and conversations about work were nothing but “White Noise.”  I was painfully aware that words were being spoken with the intent to educate and motivate, but I didn’t hear them.  It was like I had muted the TV or put my ear buds in to listen to something else instead.  What?

My wife complains that I say that word “What?” entirely too many times.  It’s a bad habit and I use it whether I don’t hear, can’t hear, or don’t understand what she is saying.  It may very well be a hearing deficiency, but to a greater degree it’s an attention deficiency.  I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful of what she says, my mind just can’t pull it all in.  All I get are bits and pieces of what is said, often stuck on one word that I didn’t fully understand.  Or worse yet, my mind often wanders, easily distracted by people, animals, and sounds around me.  My iWatch and iPhone don’t help matters, constantly alerting me to breaking news, sport scores, and e-mails.

This is why we have Date Night, so we can get away from distractions around the house, and enjoy a fully attentive conversation.  Yes, there are moments where one or the other of us pulls out our phone, or the restaurant is too loud to talk comfortably, but most of our Date Nights are a success in togetherness.  Last night, it was Jack Rabbit, a new restaurant in downtown Portland.  Date Night (see post #55) by definition means mid-week dining in a restaurant that we have never been to before.   In retirement, it’s often times the only way that I know it’s Wednesday, and not just any other day of the week.  During Date Night, my wife vents about work or family and I give her 100% of my attention, if that’s even possible.  There were a few “Whats?”  This particular restaurant was loud, our server a bit obnoxious, the service very slow, but the food quite good and our conversation steady.

As my wife talks about work, I find it to be personally relaxing, but I can see the stress in her eyes.  It reminds me how glad I am to be retired and not having to deal with supervision, discipline, frustrating clients, and corporate nonsense.  I remember when I was 5 years away from calling it quits, as she is now, and seeing that finish line so far away.  It has to be difficult for her to know that I’ve already crossed it.  She’s happy for me, though, because I’m truly happier.  I no longer hear the “White Noise” of the work week.

Years ago, my wife and I had a dinner with another couple at their Country Club.  He and I had a lot in common and were becoming fast friends.  We had gotten together for the first time to introduce our wives and share some stories about their two daughters that had coincidentally attended the same college.  We enjoyed many laughs that evening, but the one take-away was her teasing him about being nothing but “White Noise.”  When she spoke, he would predictably zone-out, claiming to hear nothing but “White Noise.”   They had been married for at least 25 years, so for them it was fair game.  Personally, I wouldn’t have touched that subject with a ten foot pole, but I clearly saw the humor in it.  I wrote this poem in honor of that conversation and to better clarify the meaning of “White Noise.”  It has nothing to do with the relationship between my wife and I, but rather other couples I’ve watched throughout the years.

 

White Noise

.

You start talking
Your tongue on a roll.
I try to listen,
But my mind gets full.
.
Your mouth is moving,
But it’s nothing but a blur.
I’m not sure how much of this,
I can honestly endure.
.
You abruptly stop,
Ask me to repeat.
I stare back with,
A look of defeat.
.
I want to cover my ears,
As your ruby lips flap.
I once heard sweet notes,
Now out flows crap.
.
“You just don’t listen,”
I hear you say.
Then you go on…
And on all day.
.
You’re White Noise,
White Noise is all I hear.
Can’t you just whisper,
Sweet nothings in my ear.
.
Word regurgitation,
Feedback’s all I hear.
An Ear Drum explosion,
Is my greatest fear.
.
Can’t get a word in,
Can’t even talk back.
White Noise drives me crazy,
Where’s a mole to whack?

.

She says that I don’t hear well,
But I hear all that I want.
Her words turn into White Noise,
If I’m honest and up-front.
.
It’s not that I don’t love her,
Or she’s not important to me.
It’s just she tries to say too much,
And I’m A. D. H. D.

.

Copyright 2010 johnstonwrites.com