Our schnauzer Tally has had a tough couple of months. In our move from condo to apartment, she first lost her favorite sleeping spot, a small sofa that she chewed-up as a puppy. When the move was complete, she adopted another clawed-up chair that was once in my office. However, we replaced that with a new chair that she is not allowed to sit on. Naturally, she would not give up or just didn’t get it, so we finally compromised with a protective covering. Ultimately, she lost interest and found comfort in a dog bed next to where we sleep. 

We next introduced Tally to her first niece, a terrier mix named Falco. We housed Falco for the week while her mother, my wife’s oldest daughter, and new husband enjoyed a honeymoon in Hawaii. They became best of friends, romping through the hallways on our floor and teaming-up to bark at other dogs. Our other schnauzer, Tinker, Falco’s elderly aunt, took this all in stride and maybe didn’t even realize that we had company. At over 15 years and without good eyes and ears, she only reacts to food. I take her outside in her stroller several times every day to make more room for more food. Input equals output – this is why Tinker has earned the reputation as “The Poopingest Pup on the Planet.” She rarely fails to discharge on each of our five or six daily outings. It was a challenging week, handling the needs of all three dogs. I would start each day with just Falco on a leash and then make a separate trip to the nearby park with Tinker and Tally. The rest of the day my wife and I would divide & conquer, so the peppy dogs could take longer walks while Tinker would rest and probably dream of food. 

After all the other things we took away from Tally, it was time for Falco to go home. Today, things were back to normal for us, but Tally lost her best friend and playmate. Fortunately, she goes to the spa this morning for a bath and grooming. She’ll at least be around other dogs and can continue to romp before she returns to our quiet apartment. Hopefully, it will be an easier transition after so many tough ones. I can almost read Tally’s mind: “You took my couch, my chair, and now my dog.”  

Our two schnauzers, Tinker and Tally, are slowly adapting to our small apartment box. It’s the way they started their life in Portland when we moved here over five years ago. They ride the elevators up and down throughout the day and have to contend with the traffic noise and crowded streets. It’s very different from the quiet neighborhood where we lived between apartments. Grass is also at a premium even through there is a park just a block away. This is where we go first thing every morning to do our business. 

We’ve settled into a daily routine that starts with loading Tinker into her stroller. Once she’s buckled in, Tally goes on the leash and we head out the door. I now own more keys than I’ve ever had in my life. One for the apartment door, an electronic fob to get in the building, trash room keys, garage opener fob, plus hydraulic lift and mailbox keys. I replaced key locks for our storage cages with combination locks so that my pockets don’t bulge as much. Are those keys in your pocket or are you glad to see me? I carry just the door fob and apartment key with me when dressed to run. They do their thing in the park and then I escape for my daily three miles. 

By the time I return from my jog, dodging cars, bicycles, pedestrians, and scooters, my wife takes her turn with the pups. Each dog then has a different priority. Tally wants to stay in bed with my wife, while Tinker wants food. Tinker is the classic example of input equals output. This is why we call her “The Poopingest Pup on the Planet.” She’s well into her fifteenth year – about 110 dog years, and relies solely on her sense of smell. Even though she’s lost hearing and eyesight, her appetite has never waned. Also, the minute after I get her out of the stroller, she wastes no time making waste. I have little time to get a doggy bag ready, as she wobbles off to take care of number one. On the positive side, she has not had one single poop-sident in the apartment, but I feel like she’s ready to explode every morning after all the scraps we feed her. One morning, I made the mistake of taking her out without the stroller. Fortunately, I had a bag ready when she started to squat in the elevator. I was able to catch it before it hit the floor. The Air Buggy stroller that we bought for her can prevent such an embarrassment and allows her to keep up with Tally’s much faster pace. 

While I write, my wife takes the pups on a much longer walk, sometimes leaving Tinker behind. The 110-year old lady seems to be fine as long as I’m nearby, but appears to loom by the door hoping that they don’t forget to include her. On occasion now, I’ll go with them, taking turns to push the stroller. Since my wife’s retirement, we’ve done fewer “Schnauzerthons,” where I combine my run with their walk. She has the time to spend with them outside of weekends. I still do the early morning and late night shifts of taking them out, but we now alternate throughout the afternoon, making sure they get six outings every day. 

Tally’s only adjustment issue has been the other dogs. Somewhere along the line she’s lost her social skills, and has been very protective of us, barking at all the strangers that we encounter. She even barked at herself in the elevator the other day, spotting her own reflection in the stainless steel walls.  Loud bus and streetcar noises make her jump, while Tinker never hears them anymore. Hopefully, Tally will eventually settle down. She loves to go out on our tiny balcony and bark at anything down below. We feed her out there, as well, so greedy Tinker can’t steal her food. Once Tinker has quickly gobbled down her own dinner and begins to search for Tally’s, we simply shut the sliding glass door so Tally can take her time eating. When we were in the condo, their bowls were side-by-side so we always had to keep an eye on ravenous Tinker. Tally eats much slower and gets distracted easily. Next thing she knows, her bowl is emptied by Tinker. Eventually, we learned to separate the two of them at meal time. The balcony trick works great, especially when you live in a small box! 

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the “Schnauzerthon,” a weekend activity with the dogs that we invented. Last year we attended The Soulful Giving Concert to listen to a couple of cover bands and ended up buying a pricey doggy stroller at auction prices to support the cause. Ever since then it’s been the private carriage for our aging schnauzer, Tinker, and enables her to join us for long walks and what we call “Schnauzerthons.” I will run while pushing Tinker in her fancy Air Buggy while my wife walks her sister Tally on the leash. At various points throughout the route, we will switch roles, giving Tally a chance to run, or my wife will take both dogs and give me some solo running time. It takes about an hour to complete, as Tinker finishes the last several hundred yards unassisted.

Tinker is nearing the 15 1/2 year mark, putting her age at about 108 dog years. She got a festive new orange and pink vest (Vesty LeRue we call it) to mark the occasion. My wife bought it on her recent business trip to L.A. “Vesty” comes off every night after her last outing, even though she’s not nearly as itchy as she used to be when the metal tags would rattle in the middle of the night. We can thank the steroids for giving her some peace, although she still does some serious paw licking on occasion. The Prednisone doses we give her each morning and night, embedded in cheese slices, also have controlled her arthritis. On the negative side, it makes her aggressively hungry, so we call her “The Poopingest Pup on the Planet,” once input leads to output. She also has developed some ugly growths on her skin that Tally likes to playfully lick that leads to irritation. Fortunately, they are non-malignant -just gross. Tinker continues to move slowly, cautious of steps because of her cataracts, and no longer insistent that we lift her up on the couch or bed. It probably hurts too much when she tries to get down by herself. 

Tinker’s only motivation seems to be food. She lays around all day until she sees me headed for the kitchen. Her outings are limited to a short loop after barely making it to the bottom of the driveway for a poop and another few steps to the grass for a pee. Tally continues to persist in stretching each outing to the maximum, while Tinker heads back to the garage to wait for us. Sometimes she gets impatient, just as I do with Tally’s lack of focus, and starts to bark. Barking has become more frequent when Tinker fails to get what she wants, but it no longer includes annoying us for “elevator rides” to the couch or bed. She also has an occasional “poopsident” that has yet to become a serious problem. Sometimes I wonder if it’s Tally, but I think most of the blame goes to “The Poopingest Pup.”

Tinker continues to get a lot of attention when she’s in the stroller, as was the case this morning. She did bark and stand-up, saving us from a messy clean-up, so we’re always glad to let her out to do her business. The stroller is equipped with Wet-Wipes, just in case. As I write this final paragraph, my wife is fixing breakfast, and Tinker is barking at me and heavily panting in anticipation of a few shard bites. There’s a “Bark Shark” lurking below my desk, waiting to strike. She can smell the bacon in the air, and I certainly won’t be able to resist her pleas. Tally does not beg like she does, but I blame some of it on the steroids. I just want to make Tinker happy in what is probably her final year of life. I wonder how many more “Schnauzerthons” she has left in her?

I guess some sharks do bark like a dog and I’m surprised that no one has written a children’s book. I’m on it – but first stay tuned for a poem. It will be along the same silly lines as PigWhalea. (See Post #453). “Bark Shark” – coming soon to this blog.